rants

i came here to rant because ugh...

im almost 21, and i still dont know what to do with my life. my future depends on the choices i make now. being deaf is harder than most people realize.. i want a stable job or career so i can live comfortably, but im not sure what major to choose since it affects my future.. the worst is that i suck at math and im not even good at everything.

ive always wanted to study abroad in asia; china, japan, or south korea so badly. but it feels almost impossible for someone like me unless i attend RIT or Gallaudet university, because those schools offer study abroad programs.. but what if i dont want to attend one of those schools? even then, they might not offer programs in the specific places i want to study. it makes me sad, because this is my life, something i never asked for, to be deaf, and i didnt expect it to be this hard. sometimes it makes my life feel miserable as a deaf person..

i just dont know what im supposed to do.. i know i need to go to community college, make connections and be more social. maybe then ill realize it is possible for me to study abroad, especially in the places i want, even as a deaf person. it might be a long journey, but i need to learn how to be patient and stop doubting myself.. but doubt self is so hard.

and im even more sad that i havent traveled anywhere alone in the united states or even ive always wanted to visit; mostly in asia, specifically east asia. ive had a million conversations with my mom about it, and she refuses to let me go alone, no matter how much i explain or how safe the country is, even if its safer than america. i feel like its because im deaf or i havent shown her enough responsbility, but i dont even know how. i just keep asking myself, why my life? why me?

japan or south korea are the first places i want to visit so badly as a deaf person and as someone who has never traveled alone. the temptation is insane; i feel like im itching every time i think about it or i see them on social media. i want to go so so so bad. but my mom refuses unless i bring a friend or someone with me...like I DONT HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT. i mean, i do but they dont travel or they have strict parents like mine. i have one friend who also wants to go, but shes scared of going broke and her family wont let her. my boyfriend is always broke and his stepmom mostly will NOT LET HIM. like come on, we are adults.... i just feel so stuck, like i cant do anything anymore. now im scared of everything, thanks to my parents, mostly my mom sheltering me so much.

ugh, it feels like im missing out on so much lately. it makes me wanna go crazy and just disappear to japan or south korea, but at the same time im scared of the consequences..

i just want to be free from this. i pray to find friends who dont mind that im deaf, know asl and friends who are down to go anywhere with me; even outside the country. but its hard for me to connect with friends due to my trust issues and past. right now it feels only a dream in my head. like i said i need to go to community college, make connections, and maybe it will actually happen one day. maybe i just dont realize it yet.. 

ive also talked to my virtual friends about this and they agreed with my mom that i shouldnt travel alone in case if something happened.. like excuse me, im a human like you all. i honestly dont know what im supposed to feel about that.. ;-;

i wanted to post this on reddit but its kinda hard to post there because therers too much rules like wtf. im not surpised if nobody sees this but i just wanted to share my feelings since i couldnt share them with people i know

honestly, thinking about this make me wanna kms so badly but i know damn i cant. 

helpp