I need to but I hate having to let him go.

I’m honestly sad about it all.

So yesterday, I was missing how it would be "okay" for me & this guy to look at each other in the nude. & six weeks passed without me talking to him. I hit him up yesternight (I say this because last night is confusing) & we were just talking about the things we’d normally talk about. I randomly fell asleep for a few minutes & a few minutes after I woke up, I ended up getting horny & asking to see his dick. He of course said no & I can respect that. I ended up apologizing to him & I just deleted snapchat because I know I can’t talk to him again after this. I’m so fucking stupid for this. 

For the next few hours, I was just sad. I missed when we’d talk everyday. I missed having a friend who understood porn addiction. I missed showing myself off to him. However, I hated how his sexual feelings were confusing. I hated how after a while, I couldn’t talk about much with him & our friends. I hated how instead of showing me affection & attention this one day, he & his friend kept talking about how much they wanted to fuck this random girl we were with. I hated how he had a- actually, I’d be saying too much if I revealed that & I’ve already said a lot. The last thing I can say though is that he was way too old for me. Like he’s literally the same age as my old ass siblings.

Out of my sadness, I decided to get a drink of any alcohol I could in the house. I really wanted to drink this one bottle but it would not open at all no matter how hard I tried. Because of that, I decided to have some tequila. I had to drink a little amount because I didn’t want my mother seeing an empty or missing bottle.

The first time drinking was bad. I didn’t have a chaser at all & that’s the only way I can tolerate alcohol.

The second time drinking was a bit better. I had so much lemonade with it. 

But when I was drinking that night, I didn’t feel the same as the other times. When I was sixteen, everytime I would drink, I would just try different types of alcohol out of curiosity. I would hate the taste each time & felt guilty. Now I was using it as a coping mechanism for my dumbass mistake that before I did it, I already knew would turn out bad. Although this was a one time thing, I wonder & I’m scared of how far I’ll go to get a coping mechanism. I’m also scared of if punching myself will become a coping mechanism again or if I’ll continue to use porn. The best thing I can do to cope is use music or write/type my feelings but sometimes that’s simply not in my mind.