It is so embarrassing-

that I'm 18 and I've only dated 2 people, both relationships laster like 2 months. What is it guys, I need honesty. What is it about me that is just undatebale? Is it because I listen to sematary??? I know everyone looks away when I mention haunted mound. other than that I cant really think of any reason why no one would want to date me other than my lack of experience. 

Dating feels like getting a job, no one wants me until I've had X amount of experience. And because I haven't had X amount of experience no one will date me, the forever loop of loneliness. But I know that's not true, that's just evil stuff I've made up in my head holding me back. It doesn't change the fact that nobody with a hundred miles radius likes me enough to want to kiss me and hold me and be held by me. 

Is it my gender identity? Maybe I confuse people too much with that. Although I'm a lot more fluid than I used to be. ever since I did those mushrooms I've felt like I've transcended the physical concept of gender. My body is just the suit I use to navigate this matrix realm, and its not even that bad. I've got a pretty good one if I discount the fact that being born a female sucks absolute fucking cock and no one ever sees me how my mind sees me because of what I was born as. Maybe that's why I've struggled with my gender identity. either way, I'm a lot more at peace with myself now that I know THIS body I'm in currently is NOT permanent and I'll come back as something else later. 

Am I just too complicated for anyone to date? Like maybe I'm just to complicated in my concept of self and everyone just sees me and goes huh. That guy seems unstable lets avoid him! When actually I'm very stable fuck you. Im so stable, I'm ready to have a partner and take on all of their stabilities and instabilities. Do people think I'd just not make a very good partner??? Like, I wouldn't be able to fulfill their emotional and physical desires??? Because I'd try my very best. My goal whenever I meet anyone I care about is to make them feel good around me and forget shitty things that happen because in this moment, we're hanging out and life is good. If someone were my partner I could only imagine wanting more GREAT for them. I don't know why no one else wants to explore what I have romantically. 

Like should I just date myself??? I seem to be confidently listing all the reasons why I think I'd be a great partner, maybe Im the only one that can love me. But that's so sad I cant do that, because who would I cuddle with??? I want to intertwine with another soul! I want to peel you back layer by layer and admire every part of you. Appreciate everything you put into the universe, everything you are. Am I just too weird? Which behaviours do I have that turn people off, I don't know. 

Are there people who like me and I'm just missing queues??? Am I just too awkward??? Online too much??? too simple??? Too complicated??? too inexperienced??? Too ugly??? I don't think I'm ugly, and I don't get people calling me ugly often. I've been made fun of for basically everything BUT my looks. I often feel like I'm too good looking to be so SLEPT ON like this! Maybe I'm too narcassitic? But I don't usually complain about how sexy and slept on I am. Im just in a mood right now. 

My buddy often tells me I cant find romance because I'm not looking. But I feel like I AM looking. Its just that when I go out, and everyone I look at, I assess in my head. What are you talking about, what's going on in your life. All the people I catch feelings for often already have a roster of human beings they would like to try, so I leave them alone because they seem preoccupied yknow? Like I'm not going to pursue you romantically if you are tryna pursue other people, that seems kind of like a wild goose chase. My flirting game isn't that great. I don't really know how. The more I like you, the more odd I become actually, its a strange phenomenon. I open up about all the strangest things and let you in on all my weird secrets and worlds in my head hoping you don't think I'm crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me!!!