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Dear Worldly Diary,

Today is November 19, 2025. It's currently 01:29 and I can't sleep. Yesterday (November 18th) was a long and busy day. I had friends over, but I still had house stuff to do. My mother is being hard on me for coming back home past curfew multiple times. Honestly she's right. I didn't graduate high school. (Repeated 12th grade.) I haven't tried to get my GED. I have no job. I'm 19.

I totally should. it's not that I'm dumb or just lazy. i mean, I am lazy. Not lazy enough for me to not want to leave this house though. I just lack the motivation. i wasn't even supposed to last thins long in life. first time I tried to kill myself, I was about 10. Last times one I remember? Around 12. And also 13. And also 15. And also 16. And 17. And 19. 18? I honestly don't know. I don't remember anything from when I was 18. not much anyway. I've lost count of how many times I've tried. All with pills. All failed. I'm too much of an actual BITCH to go out any other way.

I wish I starved and dehydrated myself the first few times I tried. I would have probably had a better chance at going through with it successfully. I wouldn't still be struggling to survive this shitty life I have. i don't mean financially or anything dumb like that. I mean mentally and emotionally and honestly? Almost also spiritually.

I still remember my peak spiritual days. I had 2 witchy friends on discord. I was so happy. I wasn't so stressed from my own thoughts. My mind wasn't so loud. I wasn't so exhausted. I still had the brutal thoughts I have now. I've always been mental. Evil as a child. Maybe I'll get into stories someday. I wasn't so impulsive with my negative thoughts. i also didn't have so maybe negative thoughts...besides the brutal ones I got.

Now? I stopped talking to one of those discord friends. The other? She's my online best friend now. I'm so exhausted now. Mentally and spiritually. Not emotionally. I was always numb. Every now and then I'd get this sudden wave of emotion. Sometimes it lasted only a few days. It's fatally increased over the last 3 or 4 years. It's lasted a year, then back to being numb, then boom. 2 years of emotion. It's always depression or something bad like that.

Closest I've ever been to emotion my entire life? Self hatred. My face, my body, my skin, my voice, my personality, my mind. All of it. I'm totally ugly. That's no doubt. Even with makeup. It just makes me FEEL like I look good. Anyone who actually finds me pretty, hot, or attractive is completely blind and lying to both themselves and me. They just have pity for me. My body is skinny, but fat at the same time. If that even makes sense. I can see my ribs, my hipbones, the structure of my body so vividly, but I'm also so heavy and really don't like my stomach. My skin is so sensitive. So many scars and marks. My voice is so terrible. I sound like a manly little girl and a grown man on estrogen at the same time. I can't even speak right. I don't like the way I pronounce my words or even my tone. my personality feels so fake. Like it's not me. Like I only act the way i do, because I want to view my self in a certain way. In a better way. My mind is filled with knots of different thoughts all threaded and tangled together. Mostly negative of course. MAINLY negative, of course. About me. About the people around me. About life in general. i don't know how anyone could not hate me.

I mask it though. I mask it with my amazing advice. My nonchalant, but bitchy attitude. What else? I know. I've masked all my life, so it's really just a habit now. I don't plan to break it. That's what I was taught as a child. NF is so real. Dean and Sam too. Winchesters of course. I relate to them all. Especially Sam and Dean. I truly am a monster, but I'm gonna mask everything with some stupid stuff that always works. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe this is really me now. I'll never know.

This was a great entry. It'll end here. I don't feel like writing anymore. I wish I had some weed and alcohol.

Published by T

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