Amalgamation

I am but an amalgamation of two things which were never meant to be.

A glitch brought about by a cacophony of terrible decisions.

My mother, a rose with thorns covering the entirety of her surface, 

Tried her hardest to raise me the way she was raised

Reliable and uptight, a model for the entire bloodline to be proud of

Yet instead, the thorns pricked, and as a result, spread to my body

Instead of raising a flower to be proud of, I instead became her.

Not capable of understanding emotion, yet wanting people to understand

Getting filled with anger at the slightest test of temper, yet wanting people to be patient

My father, on the other hand, a shadow.

Years and years, shrouded in mystery, were spent figuring him out

How he was doing, why my family resents him, whether he would raise me differently

And yet, as I reconnected and found out about him, I understood the reality of my situation

Resentment from my mother, later transferred onto me, became resentment towards both of them

Disillusioned with either bloodline, this leads me to the present day

Endlessly in a spiraled haze of cigarettes and nights spent drinking

Staying sober enough to fulfill my mother's wishes in the morning

Towards drinking myself to unconsciousness at the night

Perhaps i will understand one day.

Let it be five, ten, or twenty years in the future

Endless loops of repeated nightly routines turning into stories in the future

And as i grow into the age when they made me, I realise, truly

Sprinting away from wanting to be either of them, yet became both of them at the same time.

Expecting something new, yet circling back to the status quo.

Forever yearning for a love which is patient, yet gaining the thorns of my mother

On every night spent drinking, continuously destroying what is left of my soul

Remembering how endless amounts of relatives said that my parents used to do the same

Going out at night, drinking, smoking, forgetting their lives and coming back in the morning

I slowly come to turns with the fact that I become the very things i never wanted to be

Very tempered, yet yearning for care - Impatient, yet yearning for patience to be brought to him.

Everlastingly trapped in a cycle waiting for something to pull him out

My psyche, slowly fracturing as i slowly morph into something unrecognizable

Endlessly waiting for a hand to grab on to, to forgive me for all that i am.