Death

"

yes i know, very morbid and i should probably be locked up in some psych ward for thinking like that. 

but the problem wouldnt be that i think that way, the problem would be that i actually announced that i think that way.

think about it. nothing you think about is known until you actually say it. so if i plan a full mass murder in my brain, no one will actually know or care until either it happens or i say something.

now if i say i want death for myself then im suicidal but just because i want death for myself doesnt mean ill actually commit it. 

over the last week, ive asked a lot of people - including friends, teachers, strangers, etc - "have you ever just really want to set someone on fire?"

most answered in some form of yes but as a joke. of course the teachers and adults all said no, but when i said "no im for real" they would have a look of fear and either walk away quickly or say no and change the topic completely.

however lets be honest, most probably still think im joking. but really all it takes is me grabbing a lighter right now, dropping it, and sitting here. boom, done, set someone on fire. maybe theyll take me seriously next time.

"but there is no next time. because youre the one set on fire"

thats where your wrong. remember? not suicidal. i said i want death for myself, im not actually doing it. 

"whos on fire then?"

well thats an interesting answer. you see im still the one being set on fire because what you dont realize is theres a mirror right infront of me with a reflection of whats inside. 

the person that actually is suicidal and has attempted it multiple times but never fully committed until that moment the flames go up. 

and just because im sitting there with it doesnt mean ill burn. you see i never said how far the drop of the flame will be. 

assumptions. thats all it is. you assume that because i talk about death that im going to commit some form of murder. because i talk about death to myself, that im suicidal and ill commit. because of the flame dropping from my hand as i sit there, ill be the one to burn. 

now we're back to the beginning. now that you know a little more about me, you dont have as many of those assumptions and you think im not being serious and you dont believe me all over again. 

"

-key