im tired

i’m so, so tired. ive barely eaten all week and im just so obsessed with studying for everything. i want to be the best. i want to be at the top of my class but im not. and the girl who is makes it look so, so easy, but it’s so, so hard. i used to be so good at spelling. i won two spelling bees. and now i find myself wondering how to spell things i used to be able to. i never ask how to spell something, out of spite for myself. i still want people to think im good at spelling. i still want people to think im smart. biology is so hard. i barely got a 90 this quarter. heck, i have no idea how i did it. i was living off of test corrections all quarter. at least my teacher is generous with giving back points. everyday after school, I write pages and pages about everything my teacher talked about during class. watch every video link she sends, go through notes do practice tests, everything. my grade in algebra sucks. it was an 87. my grade hasn’t ever been that low in any math class. i know all the material, im good at math i swear i am, but i suck at test taking. i suck at it. I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety since i was in 5th grade. it’s gotten better, but the anxiety i felt taking tests stayed with me. im so hungry, but i won’t eat. I don’t have time to and I need to lose weight either way. maybe this quarter will be better.

(p.s: yes, my whole life revolves around school. i go nowhere else.)

11.16.25