DID system ranting

Being a DID System is much harder than people think. It’s not a “trend”, it’s not “cool”, and it’s not “quirky” and it’s definitely something I didn’t choose. It’s waking up not knowing who fronted last, trying to deal with memories that don’t feel like mine and carrying emotions that don’t even belong to me. It’s switching at the worst times, losing track of conversations, and trying to explain things to people who think I’m being difficult or dramatic. It’s managing a whole group of identities inside ONE BODY. While the outside world expects me to function like everything is effortless. Some days it feels like I’m constantly apologizing for things I didn’t do, cleaning up after choices I didn’t make, or trying to calm down someone inside who’s panicking while I’m supposed to act “normal”.

It’s the loneliness that hits hardest- the kind no one on the outside ever sees. People say “just communicate with your system!” Like it’s simple as texting a group chat, when really it’s more like trying to talk through static, memory gaps, and emotional landmines. I never know if today is going to be stable or if the rug will get pulled out underneath me, and even when I love the people in my system, the instability gets exhausting. Being a system means constantly balancing both different and difficult needs, triggers, fears, and opinions while still pretending to be one person to everyone else. It’s overwhelming, it’s confusing, and some days it feels like I’m holding a whole world together with my bare hands.

The worst part of being a system is knowing that all our voices can be shouting at once in the inside, but to everyone outside, it’s silence.

-The Host.