i need a whole personality (something unordinarily sweet)

16/11/25

i feel like i'm always trying to make myself palatable. i have this dread deep down that i'm just... curating myself to be whatever people want. i don't know how much of me is me, yk. i struggle with performing, people-pleasing.

i got out of a rlly messy 5 year friendship a few months ago (as well as multiple disastrous codependent relationships) and it really got me thinking about how much i just... go along with whatever people want. the friendship in question was with someone a lot older, someone i met when i was really young. she really shaped me, my habits and interests. the whole power dynamic was really off even though i didn't realise it for years. i didn't know it wasn't normal. 

she wasn't a bad person, far from it, but it was just... it was bound to happen. i got the first inkling of unease when i mentioned liking something she liked once, and she made a joke about how she'd basically moulded me to.

anyway, if i go into detail we'll be here forever, but yeah. i mean obviously online it's the worst, because i have the ability to control all these things. to make myself as likeable to as many as possible. i can change my name, my aesthetic, my interests, the way i speak. 

idk how much of it is possibly masking. but interacting with people can be so draining because i'm never not performing. i just want to be able to be me, but i don't even know who that is

anyways point being go listen to Appetite of a People Pleaser by ghost and pals

episode idk i've lost count of zoya rambling. have a great day