My childhood and the feeling of growing up/growing apart

A little 5 year old girl, grappling onto her fathers leg as if he was headed straight off of a cliff. The bottom of his denim jeans are drenched in tears and boogies due to the child's fear of her daddy's absence. I was always a crier, especially for my dad. My dad was a truck driver so it was common for him to be away for days driving semi-trucks. Every night that he'd leave for work would leave a dense ball in my stomach. I'd fight to keep my daddy home. It became a ritual. Once he finally made it out of the door and into the truck, there i was with my tiny hands leaving fogged up imprints on our living room window. Sniffling the fluid snot back into my nose. My mouth becomes salty as i yell the words "daddy don't leave me!" This would last about 5 minutes until I calm down and patiently wait for his arrival back home. And when he did come come, those were the happiest moments. I'd hear the big white semi truck park outside of our busy road, and the jangling of keys at the front door. He'd drop his stuff on the ground and say "who's daddy's little angel" as i came sprinting and leapt into his arms. I'd snuggle my face into his chest. The smell of gas on his heavy jacket consumed the air. Nothing was better than my best friend being home and the assurance he was safely back with me.

I can't say i remember the day i stopped crying from him leaving. Or when the excitement vanished from him safely returning home. All i know now, is how agitated i get when he clings onto me. Or when he endlessly calls my name anytime i make a sound in the kitchen. I think he's just as scared of growth as i am. Something else that i can't quite recall is the day he stopped being my closest friend. 

All the way up to early high school i never had any close friends. The closest person i had was my little cousin, which we don't really talk more either. My dad and i would always go shopping together, get lunch, run errands, and just go on drives. I wish i knew when this all stopped. Nowadays, i only see him in passing or when I'm making myself some dinner after getting home from work. 

Another time i'd ritually sob was when i was about 10. Almost every night in my dark blue spongebob themed room my fears would creep back in. This time not from my daddy leaving, it was from the idea of growing up. My mom would sit with me as my tears would come pouring down my cheeks. Id share with her that id like to go back to the age of 4 because that's when time was good. I felt that was when i was closest with my mom and dad, when i was most loved by them. Now that I'm 22years old i can see how silly it was for me feeling too old. But i do have to say, i think 10 year old me was onto something.