KIND OF VENT? also talking abt myself

ok so... ive been feeling a lot lately. Ive been feeling like im too much but also that something is wrong and im not myself. idk if anyone feels like what im about to talk about but im writting this for me and if anyone wants to read it as well.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

So, im an extrovert. im loud, silly, weird. Thats it. Thats what mainly im known for by people. Im also known as stupid, too much, childish and such. Thats other peoples views on me. i cant say that i dont care, i say it, but it hurts like hell, especially if it comes from a person i see as a friend. I know im not the best when it comes to keeping it down, but i know im a good person despite evrything. Im not perfect. Nobody is. I have flaws of my own just like everyone. I care about others, sometimes more than i should, im sensetive but often laugh it off as a joke even if the thing done or said to me hurt me emotionally. I dont like it when ppl say im stupid, bc im not. I just dont like being all 'SEIRIOUS' like everyone usually acts. i like having fun and being carefree, trying out new things, drawing, making silly edits, animation, tiktoks, even making stikers and doing cosplay. but i also dont like myself at times, and, i think thats okay to feel too. Everyone messes up sometimes, maybe too much, but shit, if i learned anything its that people forget my mistake or the shit i do, and so will i. i dont like it when ppl dont take me seriously bc im the 'silly stupid' friend. I can stay by someones side, listen to their problems and give my own advice and comfort them, and if they dont want that, then thats fine too, ill just be there for them, stay by their side. Just bc i act silly most of the time, doesnt mean im not sad as well, i just dont like showing it or being angry and feelig upset. its not that i dont trust the people im close with, but its the problem that i feel like im seeking attention and in the end i feel like if i say to someone 'im not fine' then theyll HAVE to talk with me and comfort me bc ill feel like i had guilt tripped them into comforting me. i want someone to want to talk to me, to listen to me without judging me at all. i want to feel accepted and understood just the way i am. The loud, silly, sensetive, flaws, emotional me. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I also dont want to sound selfish, but sometimes i wish people would understand me more. Or like, return like i had given them. IDK how to explain it. I feel like, i forgive a lot, i brush off a lot, i ignore a lot, i give a lot and so on, but in the end i get nothing, and i feel like an idiot for being myself.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

but then there are moments when i feel accepted. Like when i was at the cosplay con. i was so nervous bc i didnt dress up as any specific character, but instead, i went as a goth jester/clown. But then, people were nice, they complimented me, they joked with me, even went to hang out with half of them bc they WANTED to hang out with ME. they even listened when i vented a bit abt my life and supported and said they understood why i would feel the way i did. And thats it. No judgement, no laughing at me, no making me feel like an idiot. It was just, that simple. And that time there, felt so good. We were just sitting around smoking and talking, and it was still the best time ive had in a while. Even now after all that, i have contact with them and were already planning on meeting again in the future, and it means a lot to me. and oh MY GOD IT WAS SO FUNNY WHEN THEY SAW ME WITHOUT MAKEUP THE NEXT DAY THEY WERE LIKE 'JESUS THATS YOU??? GODDAMN!' BC I LOOKED SO DIFFERENT WITH ALL WHITE OVER MY FACE AND THE BLACK EYELINER AND EVERYTHING HSHAHSH.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

AND actually lets pull up for a moment and talk abt the life we know today. like.... the prices are so fucking HIGH like jesus christ i cant even buy a goddamn pack of gums with how much it costs. and even if i work, ill have to pay rent, food, bills, and only THEN will i be left with whats left of the money to myself, and it will be barely something. and the people today are so judgemental and barely trust anyone, like im genuenly confused how we got to where we are today. Im not saying everyone is like that but ALMOST everyone is. i see people judging and side eyeing some people for just being themselves and it frustrates me so much. and ik what someone would probably say 'its just the way things are' and i KNOW THAT but like why??? why do we have to be like this. like i see a girl get jealous of another girl just because shes happy with her life, or a guy doing that to another guy. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

im just tired man. and idk whats going on with me as well. when im with people im so happy and all that, but as soon as i get home, everything just falls down. either i get so tired mentally its to the point im numb and im just scrolling through my phone for hours or my manic episodes come up and then i wanna EDIT, i wanna DRAW, i wanna clean my ROOM, i wanna dance, make videos, make a tiktok, edit my spacehey acc but i dont do most of it because JUST THE THOUGHT OF STARTING A TASK TIRES ME TF OUUUTTTTT. and its lazy of me and i feel so tired that i just cant start doing something bc its so hard. and when im having those episodes i have loads of thoughts rushing through my head like 'why am i like this? NVM LETS DO MAKEUP AND MAKE A VIDEO!! what if they secretly hate me and talk behind my back, do they even really like me? WHO CARES! LETS MAKE SOME DIY SHIT FOR MY ROOM!!' and theyre just all over the place. Ik i can be a bit too much, and i understand when someone tells me to 'tone it down' or like 'can you act less childish' bc, well, ik people dont have energy for me when im like that, and then i just shut down and feel guilty or ashamed for being like this. but i also love myself. i love the way i am, and, i hope in the future people will be more kind to each other instead of judging right away, thats all i really ask.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

ANYWAYSSSSS, thats all for now. if you read all this then uh, HOLY SHIT GOOD JOB POOKIE AND SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WASTE UR TIME ON THIS SHIT :'3