Last part of the other shi (gender, sexuality)

So after breaking up with that evil twink and that "bad season" I was more confident with myself, tried more styles and was more me, more masculine and stuff like that. Of course everyone would call me lesbian more often but wtv.

After some months I started dating my closest friend at the moment, the one who was there for me all that horrible time and he knew everything, so I was okay, hes okay with me doubting and trying new things, I guess.

A few weeks ago I had another "bad season", skipped school like a whole month, etc. And I felt, and feel even more confused. I wanted to change my middle name to one more masculine cuz I don't even use it and I would feel more validated. I cut my hair, short as hellllll man, it was okay but the next day I cut it again and well... now I have a kinda shaggy-pixie cut(?, anyways. I told my dad abt cuz he knew I was genderqueer and was chill with that but he did not liked the idea of me being trans because that's what I told him

I was talking that with my bf but didn't have the balls to tell him how I really felt cuz I noticed he was uncomfortable but not saying anything. Later, after telling my dad that and talking it with another friends who was happy for me cause I seemed comfortable with myself.

Then I talk with my bf, cuz he wasn't feeling okay. He told me that he knew I was just doubting and trying new things but that he would prefer if I did not became a boy(? and apologizd a lot. I felt like shit, cuz I had already told my dad and friends that stuff and wanted to tell him too, but all I did was "Oh yeah it's okay I wasn't going to, I just thought abt it". We talked more, and he kept apologizing and said that he wasn't thinking right and he would love me anyways cuz after all it would be me

I didn't say anything about the other stuff, told my friends that I wasn't sure anymore and told my dad that I did not want to talk abt that subject.

In some kind of way I feel relieved, but I still feel like shit. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, I don't even see my "essence", I'm not comfortable in my skin or mind, now I don't use a label, I'm just me. That would be good if I knew who am I, but I don't. And that makes me sick

I don't wanna be someone else or be for someone anymore, but I don't know who is "me"