My experience w gender, sexuality and sa(?

I do not want to read all of this now so if it needs corrections, tell me XXp

I never give so much importance to my identy cuz well, yea, I was a kid then, but when I turned 12 yo I made new friends again (changed school like 4 times) and they were into queer things, so I did too. I would wach "yaoi" and "yuri", stuff like that, I was a gacha kid like them now, and one of them liked me, a girl, like me. She was too intense, always hugging me, being jelousy and saying kinda freaky things about me, obssessive (ewistillcanhearherlaugh) so I started to think that maybe I liked her, what if i am a lesbian? or pansexual? So, I would say that I was that.

I did not liked her. Never did, all of that happened on my last year of elementary school, at the end of the year I hated her, I still do. I don't remember what happened but we stopped talking, maybe it was bcause she had a bf and she would say she hated me for confusing her, maybe I got mad the day she slapped my ass in the bathroom when I was fixing my hair, maybe something else happened, I don't want to remember.

- I REMEMBERED NOW: When my mother took my phone away she discovered the yaoi and all the gay freaky stuff and I guess she saw those kinda chats with her? My parents hated her and didn't wanted me to be friends with cuz she was queer. They found, also, virtual friends and though I was being groomed (i was) but I will talk abt it in another post. The important thing is, they send me to therapy cuz they thought I was gay, the woman would ask if I liked boys or girls and I was scared of what could happen so, I said boys. She made some other questions and that's all, I just went three sessions. I didn't had a phone now.

I started high school and I went less than a week before the covid thing started, now, isolated with my no-so-stable family but whataver man, what could I do? At least I had my phone back. I would chat sometimes in the group of school, make more virtual friends, etc. My birthday came and I was bored and lonely, I called that girl again, it was my little secret. Fun cuz she didn't gived a fuck at all, we didn't talk too much and that was it, sometimes I would check her socials, tf did I wanted? Idk man, attention I guess. 

So alone again cuz I don't know how to make friends or keep them, somehow, I got  bf when I was 14. I would say I was bisexual now. Some months later I started to think about me and my body, I used she/he, and when school "started" again I used a bandage(? trying to have a plain chest under my shirt. My mom noticed that and my big ass brain said "Oh, um, my bra it's uncomfortable" GIRL. So she took it away from me cuz she knew the truth, I was upset and tried to do something alike to cover them but I coulnd't, I give up.

I changed school again, because of my bad grades.

I kept using she/he but did nothing about my looks, it was obvious this boy liked me cuz I was a girl, not me, so I tried to forget. I had a 15 party, a big princess dress, it was navy blue, full of glitter. I told them I did not want that, I prefered the money or travel somwhere near at least. They did not listened, again. I spent all the party uncomfortable, it was a shitty paty, they made me invit all of my classmates and i hated them. At that moment I always thought it was because my mother wanted the party, but now writing this, i think, she wanted me to feel more femenine? She though that with that party I would turn magically into some cizzz woman?  I don't know.

Anyways, I was 15 now and I was still with that boy. Started doing my makeup the year before, to use more femenine things but still "she/he", I started to search and discovered that there was a lot of more genders, I choosed "genderqueer". Didn't change anything tho, I just wanted a label, like "everyone" has. 

Not much changed when I turned 16, I would always try to feel the void of my gender sexualizing myself for that boy, you would though "Oh but you lasted like three years being teengaers, that's a lot! He couldn't be that bad" it was. 

He knew my doubts and that stuff, after all he was my bf, hes supossed to. I felt so disguting with myself, I felt like I wasn't femenine and pretty enough. I would do anything he asked me for to "compensate" it. You want me to touch you? Sure, im a good gf. You want me to do that again in the backseat while your motherss drive? Yeah could be exciting I guess. Want to have s*x? We could try. Oh we coulnd't finish it cuz somebody arrieved early, but you want me to suck it in the bathroom? Sure.  

Every fucking time we could hang out he insisted in that stuff. I aceppted always cuz what if im not woman enough for him and he leave me? Who else would love me? I needed to satisfy him like a good gf. Of course he never did with me. Never give me the same pleasure even if I told him shyly and trembling that I wanted to feel something too, I didn't felt like I deserved the pleasure, so, I never asked again. 

The only day I told him before met that I DID NOT wanted him to be touchy cuz I wasn't in the mood (not as if he would do it anywways, right?) but of course I would touch him if he wanted too. And he did. Pushed me against the wall of the hall, he murmured "touch me" and trembling I did, he kept pushing closer and his hands were on me now, trying to push down my pants. Immeditaly I froze and grabbed his arms to stop him, I know he felt my nails on his skin trying to push him away, but he just forced the kiss. His mother called him and he stopped, I didn't even wanted to talk. I texted him later that I did not liked that and remebered him I told to not, he just said "Oh sorry haha, but you didn't complained, did you?" Some months later we broke up, for other things.

I feel like shit now, i'll continue later ts shi

fuck my stupid baka life or wtv