A diffident kind of depression

My demon, though, stems from my illness; a disease/disorder I've had for I don't know how long, but was diagnosed with 10 years ago. Which means, my depression, is chemically induced in different ways compared to my peers who also fight depression. I refuse to take pills for it, as I take enough of them just to keep myself breathing. But my hope, is that I can have this hindrance treated in just the right way that I no longer have to anticipate this unpleasantness returning to knock on my door.

It used to be worse, to the point of wanting to end my life (and I almost succeeded a few times), but I've mellowed out due to medication I was given for my underlying condition, so now it's just reduced to a sometimes-inexplicable sadness. But, it's still a pain in the ass. I'm a happy person. An optimist. I prefer to laugh and smile and be happy and love. To be excited about life than dread living it. Hard to do, when this mess keeps tugging at my heels and making me drag it around with me like a ball & chain.

To be completely honest, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, perhaps I'm just venting my thoughts to get them out and process. But, if there is a point, it's most likely this: Never feel like you're alone in your depression. So many of us fight that same demon, even if it manifests itself in our lives in different ways. It's a common enemy we're all facing together. "And if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." 

-Patricia, P.S. I Love You