I hate you..childhood

I remember that my father was a terrible bipolar man, how he would fight with my mother even when I was present.

My father loved cats, but because of his bipolar disorder, he would hit or insult them.

That's one of the reasons I hate bipolar and loud people.

It wasn't long before one of my relatives abused me and I remained silent; I simply had to go along with it.

The abuse lasted from when I was 6 years old until I was 11 years old.

Not to mention that I was sexually abused by two other people... but that period was short.

I remember being bullied, even by my old friends, from kindergarten through sixth grade.

Like the fool I am, I always asked them for a hug, and they never gave me one.

So I grew up unable to react appropriately and use the famous "facial expressions," since I ended up with a neutral expression all the time.

I need affection.

I want to scream, "I need a hug from you!" but I don't want to look ridiculous.

I still long for that hug, for the words, "I love you so much, my precious boy."

But I never dare to ask for it for fear of rejection or being ridiculed.

Death is my fear, but sometimes it blinds me, and I don't see it as the solution to my problems. I know it won't happen; I won't commit suicide.

I feel that death will be the beauty of a dream from which I will NEVER awaken. I feel the breeze of a landscape, a field filled with countless flowers of every kind... the fresh, nostalgic air gently caressing my face...

The place where I forget the blows, the insults, the taunts, and the humiliations I suffered throughout my miserable life... where I can sleep in peace while the flowers embrace me.

I can't say much.

I don't know how to say it.

I can't find the perfect words to describe everything in a good way.

I need a hug