what do i call this

i dont believe all roads lead to rome 

i believe thats a dreadful way of thinking and only makes the endless loop of misery worse and worse

once it gets bad enough, embarrassment wont be enough to snap you out of it, making bad decision after bad decision wont be enough. 

only you can snap yourself out of your state

im still not fully better, so i still am hesitant to say my lowest was any other time than right now, because it feels like im invalidating everything ive gone through, but ill say it anyways.

at the lowest time, or at least the most recent lowest time of my life, i was self harming everyday. it eventually became a routine to the point i get flashbacks to the exact time i would do it when i see it anywhere. 

shtwt, edtwt, i hope i never go down that hole again. i wanted to c-t deeper, i was always urgently looking for new blades and even asking everyone i know for money to buy new ones (obviously i never told them what is was for). i wanted scars, i wanted keloid scars. i would sh basically anytime i got a chance, its not a coping mechanism. matter of fact it only leads you closer to s—-cide. 

even if it doesnt, it makes everything worse. i started to feel worse unbearable emotions after each time i sh to cope with it. sh was all i knew, and even though i talk about it this way now i was actually excited to get home just to do it.

now i wish i could go back. i did end up getting a few rising scars, and i have so many overlapping ones that will never fade away. at first when i started to feel insecure about them, i wanted to rip my skin off. now whenever im about to shower, i just look at them. and as much as im insecure of them, i dont feel anything at the same time.

during this, all i believed was that everyone is a bad person deep down and that i would be comfortable in my sadness until i died. i never wanted to get better i only wanted to get worse for validation and i was proud of it, therefore thats what i meant by embarrassment isnt enough to snap you out of it.

i also hated absolutely everything, i hated everyone around me and most importantly i really hated myself. i cant say i dont anymore, hate is a pretty strong word. but i will say i just dont have energy to care about it anymore. i used to literally walk with my eyes darted at the floor everywhere i went because i was so ashamed and stuck in self pity. at some point you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

i would try to get attention from older guys (which it never worked because i was ugly), i would breakdown almost every day because i felt disgusting in my own skin, and i continuously hurt everyone around me, even if it wasn’t intentional. i would have influencing relationships where we basically encouraged each other to get worse and keep our hateful mindset.

i thought i was a hateful person, and ive never been more wrong about myself. because i love everything, i love love in general and so many other things i could talk about for hours.

then summer started, and it only got worse. i stopped breaking down everyday, instead it turned into bottling everything up then letting it all out and sh randomly. this is when my hateful thoughts got worse.

everyday all i did was go down spirals of how i needed to be saving everyone in my life because they all had it worse, how i was selfish and narcissistic and had no reason to live besides that. and now i still dont believe i was wrong. i was and still am not a “good” individual, but im not as disgusting as i was before. 

in the summer i turned to drinking and e—bles, although i never had it often (like at all) i still would rely on it. i would do impulsive things, basically any impulsive things that altered my entire appearance and was completely ruining myself. 

i could type forever about all i am and have gone through, but ill stop here to get over my fear of being mispercieved. the worst time was probably when i tried to check myself into a mental hospital, knowing it would only ruin the rest of my teen years, and now when i look back at all of this there were only a few people who were genuinely concerned.

the people who were closest with me at that time ive grown apart from now, and i feel horrible about it. i also feel horrible about all the people that had to deal with me being that way. i think the only person truly concerned for me at the time was my friend callie, but i dont blame my other friends because i truly seemed unsave-able. i think i should have taken the sign when me and my closest friend since 6th grade, started having problems (i was the problem obviously).

the only person who can get your life together is you, no self pitying or attention from self pitying will ever be enough. once you get their condelences theres nothing to do with it, if you dont want help all they can do is feel sorry and move on.

i used to think i was born from negativity and thats all i could ever be, and that i was uncapable of change. but thats not who i am, i can change and i have.