A bit of a rant.

I feel lost and unreliable.

There's always something that I feel when it comes to talking about my future, I'm 17 and slowly being introduced to adulthood. I honestly don't know what to do in life, but atleast I know that I'm pursuing accountancy in college. That's as far as I know, I don't know what'll happen to me in the future. As I'm currently struggling to keep up with everything around me, I don't know where to go or what to do.

There are some interests that I had, which I ended up dropping because I was burnt out and never touched it again. I cannot stick to anything at all, it all feels temporary and I really don't know where to go. I've also had a hard time keeping relationships, especially with family, friends or classmates, it may not look that serious but it kinda does for me. I cannot figure out on why I just can't keep connections with anyone at all, it's such a struggle.

Relationships are definitely important, but it's just so hard to maintain you know? I've limited myself with socializing, it just feels so heavy and tiring at the point that I'd rather stare at the ceiling for hours. Because of that, when it comes at being required to socialize. I'll just end up fumbling my words and talk nonsense most of the time, it doesn't help my problem with socializing at all. It feels like a burden to even interact with someone, I wish it didn't. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm gonna stay like this for the rest of my life. I know that's a bit of an exaggeration, but the toxic environment around me doesn't help at all. It feels like work to socialize, and I've got no one to talk to when I needed one badly. As I've already pushed them away, far enough.

When it comes to my future, I just don't see myself building a family when the time comes, which I don't know when. As I can't even manage myself properly at all, why would I even bother you know? I have feelings, romance and whatever. It's just that I can't see myself having a family, being a father figure, a husband, and even a breadwinner. I'm very incapable with doing a lot of things, speaking of the pace of I'm going at. I'm definitely not gonna be improving much as time goes by, which is why the best option for me is not starting a family until I can actually do. It's just common sense isn't it? The thing is, I don't know if that time will come at all. But I don't wanna end up being a deadbeat father, a shitty husband, and a useless man of the family. I'd rather rot by myself than be all of that. It's all common sense, but some are definitely too stupid to understand that starting a family unprepared is practically sabotage. Which is causing high-density areas on my country, which contains people that are struggling to live day by day. It's mostly because of stupidity and bad decisions piled up together that can literally be passed onto generations.

I don't know what I can expect at the future, since at this rate, I'm struggling and very unstable mentally. The economy isn't that good either, I don't feel comfortable everytime I'm thinking of my future, but I think that's normal. I felt like sharing this, as I of course got no one to talk and share this with. thank you if you've read the whole thing, even though I was talking about nonsense at times.

(I've lost count on how much I've edited this blog.)