Current Struggles 4 me (heavy vent, Tw)

Just stuff I’ve been going through

My mental health has been so bad lately to the point you can’t walk in my room, like there’s one place to stand that’s it. There’s no desk room no nothing (I keep common areas clean I’m not a monster) I haven’t done much and I just feel down. Not sad most of the time just kinda neutral or blank

My friends I know they are busy but I feel like the never reach out. Maybe I’m not reaching out enough because I mainly do it in servers so I can access everyone but I rarely get a response, I’m like the only who talks and when someone else does I respond and they talk for maybe a bit before again leaving me on delivered 

I reach out in DMs too, or at least try too but never goes too far

I don’t think they are the issue I genuinely am just bad at connecting to people and I don’t know why, I try to talk and flow in a conversation but maybe I’m boring and have nothing cool or fun to talk about or maybe I’m just annoying I just don’t understand 

I moved for school btw if that’s relevant

I’ve made 0 friends here. I thought I was making one only for them too to leave me on delivered we only ever talk in person and I always ALWAYS start it. Is it because I’m ugly that people genuinely don’t want to talk to me? I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I know some people struggle with responding to messages but as a person who doesn’t I get upset when people don’t respond to me

I’ve been procrastinating a lot so school work is absolutely piling up, and since it’s art based I have ideas that I talk about in my two friends servers to help me pick and bounce ideas off of only to be met with silence, my online friend has been leaving me on read too

Might reach out more now that I’m not busy with the other because they always respond just have such bad timing they always call me at work or class. 

Overall I just don’t understand how all my classmates made friends so easily. Like I believe I’m friendly and nice. I actually went out of my way to talk to people, yet again I end up alone, not knowing what I did wrong. The only thing I have left is my looks, I’m overweight and not pretty and that’s like the only reason I could think of.  Maybe I’m too uninteresting weird and annoying too so it’s probably just a horrid mix

I’m just tired of the world too, the way women and lgbtq are treated, the lack of research in women’s health and everything that’s happening in the world is not helping me

Maybe my friends don’t want to talk to me because I refuse to go to therapy (I can’t afford it) but also when we talk I like never bring it up I only ever do that in vent channels

I don’t know anymore. 

I genuinely never thought I’d even live this long, I don’t see the point in life

I know the reason of life yes (from my religious view) but at this point I don’t even care. I’d rather just get it over with

There’s things that I want in life yes, but I don’t need them I don’t really care for anything if it’s not immediate or within a day or two, 3+ days from now, I have no concern for

I wish I could just sleep forever 

Not have to deal with everything 

If I could quit already I would have by now

I’m tried and I said I would clean but of course I didn’t

I really have to clean tomorrow….

I’m doing fine I would never end it if anyone actually reads this and is worried. On the off chance god is real I don’t want to risk committing one of the only unforgivable sins 

Might delete this later