Being trans

This will be a bit of a vent but I need to get this off my chest (or back, you'll see).

Being trans is actually one of the worst things you can go through. It's draining both mentally and socially. We are constantly under attack, even from our own community. Laws are being passed only to hurt and dehumanize us, to put us in danger when we're already at risk. 

The binder... I have undiagnosed chronic back pain (def: Chronic pain is pain that lasts longer than 3 months in one or more parts of the body. It can cause emotional distress and can make doing daily tasks more difficult.). I have been in pain for over two years due to wearing my binder every day (fuck school). 

All this constant suffering and people still see me as a girl. I've tried to make peace with that but it still hurts. I've come far in my journey and I can say that I'm more comfortable with my identity and femininity now. I like what I like and changing for society won't make me feel better, on the contrary. And oh, how I've tried to change. Cutting my hair, when I know it looks better longer, rejecting everything that had to to with girls (makeup/experience), walking different, talking different. And the worst part? It worked. But that wasn't me. I like makeup and pink and jewelry and long hair and you get the point. That doesn't make me any less of a guy.

Why? because I KNOW MYSELF. I know who I am and who I will become. No one can tell me who to be.

There's also the mental aspect. Knowing that you'll never experience male puberty, the fear that if you enter a relationship you're just a "test subject" or that they don't see you as your gender. Surgery not being accessible in most countries, getting questioned or yelled at when you're just trying to use the bathroom etc.

For any young ftm person: If your back doesn't hurt now, IT WILL. That you can be sure of. I also thought it wasn't gonna happen to me...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But i hope this helped someone realize that they're not alone.