No October Camera Dump :(

Hiiii.

I'm so devastated lmao. I went out on Halloween with my friend, and I knew I shouldn't have gone because I always have a bad time in old town Fort Collins. CSU is not progressive in the slightest, don't let them fool you. And if it's not college students, it's fucking country bumpkins from fuck ass Wyoming. Every time I go, my friends and I get called slurs or someone tries to start shit with us. But I really wanted to go out, and my friend really wanted me to go, so of course I went. I did get reaaallyyy wasted and lost a lot of shit from my bag I was carrying. And I was dressed in drag, so I just put my camera, phone and wallet in my bra for easy access. The only thing I lost from my bra was my fucking camera. I'm 99.9% certain someone stole it. If I had dropped it, someone picked it up and took it. I called the establishment and everything. Nada.

It's Bondi, in case you were wondering (please give it back to me I just want my SD card and my Denji keychain please please please please please please).

In general, that night was fucking awful. Friendships almost ruined. Pen went missing. Cock blocked from the beautiful mysterious woman of the night. But, I know I'm never going to party in old town foco everrrrrr again.

Anyways. My friend Mai gave me words of wisdom, which was that this month sucked anyways. And it truly did. I hated this month so bad. Genuinely, the only win was the Chainsaw Man movie. I wanted to die more than anything, and my friend's response was "that's what a menstrual cycle will do to you." With that logic, I've been mensurating for two months straight. September was fucking awful too.

I'm realizing I'm very detached to everyone in my life. I don't particularly have a good relationship with anyone in my family. I'm very dependent on my friends, which isn't fair. At all. It's not their job to save me. And I feel like they've given up on me too. And I'm just. Tired. Idk.

I want to grow. I want to love me. I want to live for myself. I don't want to look for that validation in other people anymore. And it's so hard. I hate being alive so bad. I hate being me. I hate this life, I hate this body, I hate me. But I had so much I was looking forward to when I was younger. I've been struggling pretty much my entire life, and all I wanted was to be successful. Happy. Independent. Better than my parents. And I'm none of that.

IDK why I'm still talking.

I will get better. I have to. I can't give up on myself. I don't care if I'm self centered for wanting that.

Speaking of being self centered. Enough with the vent. I bought a new camera with some birthday money I was saving. The welcome and goodbye jingle is not as jolly and fun as the last one. And there's no Denji keychain. And there's no memories from the month of October. Which, I fear will be the last memories I have with some of my friends. But that's okay. I'll make new ones.

If you made it this far. I gotta add my top three songs of the month lol.

 ☆ IRIS OUT - Kenshi Yonezu

 ☆ Using You - Mars Argo

 ☆ 5 Years Time - Noah And The Whale

(At least I think it was...the website I'm using for my Spotify stats are kinda lying there is no way in hell Wii Tennis is my top 2 in the last 4 weeks)