This is a triggering post regarding addiction, suicide, abuse, and depression. Know there's help for you, suicide hotlines are available. you matter.

I love(d) alcohol. I would have such a shitty day, I would have such a shitty week where I am stuck mentally where I was when I had endured abuse from my mother, with my family knowing about it and doing nothing.

I loved it because it would make me happy, I could talk about things and be unbothered by my past during this. Fuck it, if my stomach gets wrecked, if I throw up, it was better then feeling nothing, remembering all the things I went through with my mother, my in-law grandpa, my uncles. Both feeling nothing and remembering the bad make me not only disconnect from what I love, but make me want to die. It makes me feel better of dead not just for the scenarios I've endured, but this feeling like I almost don't exist at times. Like the world would never acknowledge me dying. Like everyone knows, mother, uncle, they all know and are prepared for me to be some throwaway.

I feel like I just have to get comfortable to the idea of death, I don't see value in much. Music sure, but even this feels uncertain. and back to the subject, alcohol.

Like i stated, I loved alcohol for suppressing this. Now, I feel horrible about everything, and alcohol will amplify this and make it worse, I start to believe it more, I'd start to want death more. Like the comfort I once felt is now the comfort I'll feel when I finally decide to go through with it all. I feel like that's where I want to be when I die, hammered listening to my music. I never had the luck of having people care about me or my wellbeing, down to my family. Even when things were clearly wrong.

I just wish things made sense right now. I just wish I could find not only a purpose to my life, but

 an end to my feeling that my life is as insignificant as dirt. Like I'm better off being the flower that grows over my grave. Atleast that would show whatever beauty and personality I could offer.

I'm sorry all, I'm at a weird place in life. Things aren't too hopeful, yet I could be  better.