Eating Disorders Go Both Ways

TW: Eating disorders, Vomiting 

Hi it’s Sienna

When you picture someone with an eating disorder most people wouldn’t see me as an example. Fat arms, a tummy and a big round face. But I did once have an eating disorder even though till this day I can’t decipher if it was a real eating disorder or me overreacting. I want to start by saying the I’m not trying to invalidate people who under eat and have bulimia, instead I want to shed light on over eating a topic you don’t really see covered in many platforms. 

Ever since I was young I’ve had a horrible relationship with food. My sister would give me the food from her plate, and I happily ate it. Even though back then I lived in a lower middle class family there was always food. I used to sneak pieces of ham at night or chip bags and eat them. I was always hungry wanting more. I grew up and I finally began to notice how my shirts wouldn’t lay flat on my stomach or how my pants felt like being in a skin tight suit. That’s when the jealously began as well. I was jealous of my best friend, who always had a guy ( we were in 4th grade). I was jealous of my fare skinned blue eyed sister because she weighed less than me. Unrational jealously and what did I do? I ate. I would come school lock myself in my room and eat. I was depressed for most of my teenage years, and then I found food disgusting, I found myself disgusting. Some nights I couldn’t sleep because I would feel my skin on me and I wanted nothing more than to rip it out. I was 12 and my life was a mess, I didn’t think I would make it to high school. My clothes will rub against me weirdly and I threw up. I would go to restaurants, eat, and throw up. I would run everyday, and nothing worked I tried health tips, I tried diets. Nothing realy worked, and the only reason I didn’t feel such an intense hunger was is because the disgust over powered any of those feelings. 

I did outgrow some of the ugliness of my former self. But I’m still not satisfied. This is affecting millions and millions of teenagers across the world and we aren’t doing anything about it. America loves to shame people with an addiction but at the same time glorifies another. Why not give all eating disorders the same treatment? “Just stop eating and you’ll be fine, it’s not serious” Why are we as a society so dismissive of overeating as an eating disorder? We as a society glorify under eating, eating disorders because they rather see a skinny girl suffering than a fat girl. Being skinny is fitting into a social standard which is outdated and not healthy. I want to spread awareness about this topic. Because I can’t get out of my head that there’s another girl out there crying in the Olive Gardens bathroom while throwing up because she just binged ate. I can’t bare the thought that there’s a little girl out there who wished she can cut her skin open and take all the fat out. 

Over eating still causes problems in my life, sometimes it feels like it’s never going away. I feel guilty all the time, I still spend time in front of my mirror wishing to change. It feels sometimes that I don’t deserve all the good things I have. Eating disorders are serious.

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder and feel like you’re not enough. You are, you are and believe me you’ll get better. 

Love, Sienna

(This isn’t my best work but I’m really passionate about this topic)