When “Why Don’t They Leave?” Becomes “Why Didn’t I?”

When “Why Don’t They Leave?” Becomes “Why Didn’t I?”

Here's the story of how attending university saved my life. I’ve thought about writing this for a long time, and I think I’m finally ready.

A few years ago, I fell into a relationship with someone I hopelessly adored. We worked the same job, and we “clicked” instantly. A few dates turned into heartwarming confessions, long hours spent texting, and that intoxicating feeling that maybe - just maybe - I’d found the one.

At first, everything seemed perfect. But then the red flags started piling up one by one. Fits of jealousy. Threats to break up over the smallest things. Reactions that never quite matched the situation.

Then came the isolation. I stopped seeing my friends out of fear. He began to monitor where I was, at all times. Eventually, he was even tracking my online status across different platforms. It escalated slowly, in ways that seemed almost invisible at first. But it finally reached a point I never thought I’d come to know.

When I used to hear stories about domestic violence, I always wondered: “Why not leave? Why suffer?”

Until it was me.

Until it was his fist bruising my ribs and stomach. Until it was me, wailing on the sidewalk, waiting for the ambulance. Until it was me - staying. 

My memory (hazy at times) never fails to bring that moment back to me in 4K. I remember the ambulance arriving after what seemed like hours at the time. It was probably closer to a few minutes since the hospital was just a street away.

"I stumbled and hit my stomach on the curb"

That's what i told them. When they were setting up the IV. The one thing I'll never forget is the paramedic's face after lifting up my shirt. Seeing the clear imprint of knuckles. Furious. That's the only word that still comes to mind. I've never seen someone look so disgusted and angry. 

"He's going to kill you one day"

I think the hardest part about that day is that exact sentence and what it meant for me at the time. A sentence which by that point was akin to telling me that the sky is blue. I've already come to accept it. Faced strangulation and countless threats.

I didn't let it get to me for a long time. Went to work with bruised ribs. Scared of telling my friends that he raised his hand at me. Paranoid about him finding out if I told anyone. Coincidentally all of it was happening when I was in the midst of applying to my current University. Hands down one of the best decisions of my life. Of course, me actually getting in raised it's own challenges and hardships. More fights, threats, violence. Yet, the one thing I dreaded the most ended up saving me. 

People. 

Before starting my first year I've lost hours worried about the people I'll meet. Anxious about standing out. Used to isolation or even ridicule. Yet none of that ever made it's way towards me. I met a ton of like-minded people. Each and every single one of them special in their own way. Sensitive, kind.

I managed to make friends instantly. 

That's when my life started to tqke a turn. Those closer to me noticed the anxiety, overwhelm and hardships which i faced everyday. A few weeks in, it happened, I told my newly met friend about all of the abuse. I felt safe telling them since my former partner didn't have any information about them. Saying all of that out loud made me face the grave reality of my situation. The new found support system made me strong enough to even consider leaving. Step by step i cut all the pieces containing him out of my very own being. I left shortly after the new year's.

It took me a long time to get used to life after him. Being able to meet up with friends, yet still feeling fear over doing something "wrong". Staying up at night with the anxiety creeping behind the corner. Countless panic attacks after hearing people use phrases he used to say. And finally the night terrors and flasbacks which I deal with to this very day. All of it is a testament to the strength I've found in friends. The love I've found in my support system. 

Despite all of the hardships the only thing he managed to kill was my love for him. I walked out of there alive.

If you're reading this and are facing any kind of physical or verbal abuse. You're not alone. Reach out to your close ones or your local DV hotline. Leave before it's too late.

"Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good... so far so good... so far so good. How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land."