I want to end everything

I want to end my life 

Not by suicide or by death

I don’t want death

I want life

A better life 

A new life

More life.

I have been ruined, by hate, by religion, by my own stupidity.

I have been robbed of joy by my own curiosities and craving for knowledge.

I hate knowing

I hate wanting to know more.

It’s unfair that I have to live with this emotional debt

This knowing I’ve forced onto myself.

And yet, 

I hate not knowing enough.

There’s so much hate and pain I have not yet found or experienced.

I hate that my mother

My own mother

Knows more than me. 

She bring it up 

Like she’s mocking me.

I want to know more

I want to know less.

These contradictions kill me.

I’m not stuck on the fence

Or confused.

These things haunt me at the same time

And I want to end it.

I want to go back to simple life.

Happy life

Unknowing life

Exciting life.

But I want to be like god

All knowing.

I want something new.

I feel trapped in my home and my neighborhood.

It’s too small to run and hide forever.

I miss my old home.

I never really had a place that felt like home.

But I want it back. 

I hate my life, myself and my dreams.

I love living and thoughts.

I want to end this feeling inside me.

I wish life was like a fantasy story.

Something new and nothing stuck.

I don’t care if it’s harmful or hateful 

I just want to live something new.

I hate this. I hate everything.