edges of memory.

my grandmother, who's 92
and surprisingly still somewhat healthy,
has told me that she was ready to die.

unfortunately, this wasn’t something new that i’ve heard from her.

the first time she ever expressed this to me was
when she was sitting alone in her dark room at 2am.

during that time, i woke up to relieve myself,
but as i was on my way to the restroom,
i saw my grandma’s door open, and as i looked closer,
a dark silhouette figure was just sitting still.
i called out her name and asked
what she was still doing around that time.

she sighed.

so i decided to sit next to her and asked
what made her sigh so deeply.
and that’s when she first dropped the bomb and told me,
“i’m ready to die.”

like woah, woah, woah, WOAH.
hold up! calm down now.
she just freshly turned 86!
why the sudden thought?

truthfully, that made me take a couple steps back
because why?

she then explained that she was ready to be with my grandpa.

...grandpa, from what i could remember,
was a cunning guy.
i often used to watch him and my older
brother play checkers.
he would trick my brother by distracting him
as he swoops his way to steal a piece.
then glance at me with a cheeky wink.

that basically sums up what kind of guy he was.
he would look stern when the corners of his mouth turned down,,
yet when he smiled, he would smile with every corner of his face,
wrinkles becoming prominent around his eyes.
he would look very warm.

looked. very warm.
and i miss that so so much.

i can’t imagine how much pain my grandmother has to go through...
to the point of wishing to die just to be with him.
and i mean that literally.
she already has her casket prepared,
ready to be buried next to my grandpa.

it’s been years since he left, but to her, it feels like it was just yesterday.

being healthy at the ripe age of 92 is her biggest enemy.

she is ready to go go go!

but in all seriousness, i know none of us would be prepared,
but i know she would be very happy when the time comes.

but not now tho, like calm down omg.

anyways, i know this was kind of sad,
but i always admired the strength of her love.

gewd night.

- zai