some thoughts

lately i’ve been rethinking a lot of things.

not so much about my own life, but about life itself.
what we are, objectively. what purpose we have.
is it true that we’re destined for something?

i should clarify that this blog is more for me than for you, dear reader.
but if in some way you manage to learn something from my thoughts n experience, or feel identified with them then, welcome.

over the last two years, i’ve questioned and re-questioned thousands of ideas, trying to give some sort of """“meaning”""" to my existence, or at least to clear up a few existential doubts.
i’ve tried everything: religions, destiny, magic, and all that cheap poetry we make up just to avoid facing the void, and recently i started to really comprehend what's all this about or atleast what i personally want
i dont regret about my past because the truth is they helped me understand myself better.
to know myself, and with that, to understand others a little more as a reflection.

i understood that we’re incapable of accepting something as raw as the fact that our time on earth has no mystical purpose, beyond the one we give it ourselves.
but that, instead of being depressing, should make us happy.
because, after all, *you are*  the one holding the pencil.
you write your own story.

that opens a sea of possibilities
in my world, destiny does exist… but it’s not written from birth.
you discover it as you go, through the choices you make and the roads you decide to walk.

and if you feel like you were born with every possible disadvantage
a body you don’t like, a family that doesn’t understand you, a job you hate
my friend, i have something to tell you: life, by definition, is unfair.
and not only unfair, many times, it has a dark, cruel, absurd sense of humor.
but you have to learn not to care too much, to keep going anyway,
with whatever you’ve got, toward whatever you dream of.

and speaking of dreams: there are those who don’t even have a clear one.
and that’s where something i discovered recently comes in something i want to explore further: self-knowledge.

self-knowledge… a word that sounds so simple, yet so few can truly explain.
because knowing yourself isn’t looking in the mirror and saying “i know who i am.”
it’s digging. breaking. doubting. testing.
questioning why we are the way we are, and which parts of us we actually chose to be.

sometimes i wonder if we really know ourselves, or if we just act according to what others expect.
we disguise ourselves as convenient versions, shaped by fear or habit and then convince ourselves that’s our identity.

but knowing yourself also hurts.
because it means admitting that many things we thought were true… aren’t.
and maybe, behind everything we show, there’s an emptiness we avoid looking at directly.

we usually present ourselves in whatever way benefits us the most.
that’s why we act differently with friends than with our parents.
we constantly live with a mask, one we change depending on the situation.
and at the end of the day, that leaves us feeling like we have no real identity.
pretending all the time to be someone we’re not only pushes us farther from who we really are.

closing off what would be the “individual” side of this reflection,
i want to get straight to one of my most recurring thoughts,
one that unites us all as a species: the ever-desired “happiness.”

and i feel like we have a very mistaken idea of what happiness truly is.
we often think that if we don’t reach certain goals, we’ll never be happy
whether it’s money, a good job, the most expensive car, or whatever.
we chase that so-called happiness our whole lives,
like a dog chasing its own tail,
without realizing that happiness
as cliché as it sounds
lies in the small things of everyday life,
in the present moment, not in the unpredictable future.
because there’s nothing more tangible and real than the now.

the future is the future, and waiting brings its rewards,
but time will do its part.
your job, as a human being, should be to appreciate those stupid little things that happen every day
and to recognize which ones matter to you.
talking with someone you like, for example.
this doesn’t mean avoiding hard or unpleasant things
because time also rewards those who have a clear goal and are willing to suffer now to enjoy later.
but know this: the process itself can be just as fulfilling
maybe even happier than the moment you finally reach that goal.

i guess, in the end, it all comes down to this:
giving your own meaning to existence.
not a perfect one, nor eternal, nor spectacular
just one that’s real.

because there’s no formula for happiness, no guaranteed path.
there are only moments brief instants that, if you look closely,
are worth more than anything

and maybe that’s what living is about:
learning to recognize those fragments of light amid the noise,
and understanding that even on the emptiest days, we’re still here.
still breathing :)

the end.