i hate gender

7.11.25

this feels so out of place with my blog cause it's more seriously written but oh well...

as a nonbinary person, i hate hate hate gender roles in society so much. i guess i just wanna talk about my own experience with gender, kinda, since i don't really talk much about it and i need to get it off my chest (heh pun intended). not really a vent lol just tracking my progress i guess..??

i was born a girl, and raised as such since young. my earliest memories were probably roleplaying as winx club characters with my friends, and watching my little pony, which were y'know stereotypical girly stuff. being in a traditional chinese family, of course i was raised to learn pink = girl and all that stuff, and before i was 7+, that was the only thing i really knew, but still i could feel i was a little different in terms of gender. when roleplaying, i would always feel slightly uncomfortable choosing my characters, as they were all very feminine and i didn't understand gender dysphoria back then as expected. still, i went with it and just played along. and these gender role things were greatly ingrained into me, as i literally thought applejack and rainbowdash were male since they were more masculine. 😭 (yes i proudly said i had a crush on them it was really not subtle). i was also subconsciously doing it to myself as i kept wanting to be the more feminine, princess characters while "crushing" on the masculine princes, but we all know it was the opposite.

when i went into primary school, around 7-12, things started changing though, as i was cursed with unsupervised internet access. i think i was around 10 when i found out about gay people and gender, and i really experimented a lot with it. i switched constantly from trans, genderfluid, nonbinary, demigirl, a bunch of other labels i don't remember. i just knew i wasn't a girl, but i couldn't wrap my head around what label really suits me the best. i often just wore basic clothes like t-shirts and shorts outside as i didn't want to be too fem, but was afraid of experimenting with masc. somehow nobody taught me that it was okay to fully dress masc, so i suppose that was why i was so confused. i also despised dresses (and still do), and anything fancy really, as i somehow believed fancy = feminine. i was really confused okay don't blame me. but now i'm stuck with a boring closet so oh well.....

now we go to when i was 13, which is suprisingly 2 years ago wow i am really not that old. there, i started being more chronically online, leading me to discover alt and jfashion. now i would not call myself any of those, but i did start to be more fascinated with dressing fancier i guess? by that point, i just gave up on gender and called myself a girl, but i definitely did doubt it so many times. i have no idea why, but i wanted to be jirai kei which was super feminine? I also don't understand 13 year old me they were something else. please put her down. anyways, i did try to expand my closet more after years of just dressing like a bum, and it did lean more feminine, which i felt strange about but couldn't put my finger on it, like something wasn't clicking in place. This kept going on until i was 14, and by the end of the year i guess i did realise i wanted to be more masculine. even so, i was scared to dip my feet into that so i kept with feminine cuts but in darker tones, which still didn't satisfy me. at the time i just thought i wasn't achieving the look i wanted but oh my god it was honestly so obvious...

15 years old now yay!! i still can't believe i finally leaned in to my nonbinary identity this year, albeit at the start of it. it felt like i was always identifying with it secretly, but i was too confused and stupid to realise. i don't really remember what happened, it was like i found out i was not bisexual but in fact a lesbian, and it clicked into place i was in fact not a girl. now what do i do with this realisation? nothing i just stopped wearing skirts and dresses. to be fair i always hated those but made myself wear them anyways, so it wasn't anything new to me. okay this will sound really stupid but i dressed more masc because of mitsuki koga from the hit yuri manga tgswiiwagaa. yes im newgen okay......i was putting it off for a long time because i dont know. 

anyhow i'm grateful to her and the lesbian community for teaching me about mascs, because for once it felt like something that fit me, like a label for what i was feeling all these years. reading mitsuki's backstory kinda hit home, and it sealed the deal for me about who i wanna become. and since then i just shifted to masc clothes fully, and i still am building it up, but i finally found the final piece to the whole problem and i am SO much happier now. i do still get gender dysphoria but it feels more comfortable in my skin now and i guess im grateful that i realised what i was going though and stopped myself before i became miserable as fuck. oh and also i came to realise i did not hate fancy clothes i just hated fem clothes ever since i found out about ouji style.

my family is pretty chill with these changes, but i dont think it really got into their head that maybe theres a reason why im no longer dressing girly. like they keep saying "you're so pretty and cute and girly!!!!" while wearing a full black fit with the baggiest pants and converses. they still see me as a girl and there's nothing i can do to change that so i dont really care. but i do get so happy when getting called they/he by friends and also accidentally getting called masculine terms by my family since i do live with 2 brothers. you win some you lose some. i still do get scared for if i am forced into a dress for some formal event or something, because i will start tweaking and shit. i know damn well if i ask for a suit i am going into intense interrogation for 5 hours. my lifelong goal is to get a suit tho, so maybe one day..

main point of the story is, I FUCKING HATE GENDER ROLES. look i love my family but if they even told me once that girls could wear boyish clothes it would save me so many embarrassing and confusing years oh my goody goshhhhhrg. i had to figure everything out myself while hiding it from my parents and it was just a really terrible time, but im glad i know myself slightly better even if it took 15 years to do so. i just wish i could go back in time to tell my younger self things, but even so i love her and her reflection of how far i came. ok that was cheesy whatever...... growing up in a traditional family really drilled some things deep into me so im glad the unsupervised internet access swooped in at an early age to get me out of it. FUCK GENDER ROLES ok

especially as a nonbinary person, i feel that society has no place for us in their system. im fine with being born a girl, as i dont think i would be friends with the best people ever if i was born a guy, but honestly i dont think i would be any happier born as a guy, which is to say neutral. i believe im in the middle of a boy and a girl, as i want both benefits of it. i dont want to really call myself either one as a firm, solid label, y'know what i mean. even so, my gender euphoria comes from things that are probably unreasonable in society, like getting called both boy and girl in the same conversation and such. blame it all on gender roles i guess, as of course no one can be neither a boy nor girl. this system is honestly so suffocating i hate this so much ahgewrh FUCK GENDER ROLES

also somehow despite being raised very girly i was taught that "boys don't cry" and internalised it??? i can't put my finger on why but i think it has something to do with something else but let's not get into that today. anyways, if you're reading this i hope you learnt from my life story that you can do whatever the hell you want and don't let gender restrict you from anything. labels are just labels so have fun with it and don't ever cage yourself up, allow yourself to break rules. go and have fun, gender is your playground and there's no rules or adults here. ^_^

like and subscribe and hit that bell for more epic blogs