thoughts.

one thing i’m most definitely aware of about myself is that i sometimes find it really hard to interact with someone new. i mean, i’m sure that’s a normal feeling most of us have probably experienced.
but i don’t really know how to make friends the way i used to before.
i just find myself being super picky when it comes to interacting with someone.
for the most part, i’d rather be alone than pretend to be someone i’m not.
and it’s not even because i’m comfortable or prefer being by myself either—
i still get fomo.
i just find it really hard, and sometimes i just don’t want to put in the effort anymore.
i’ve met new people along the way, and yeah, i’ve hung out with them and spent time here and there, but i don’t really know what to consider them as. sometimes calling them my friends feels hard to say. i guess they could be considered casual friends.

one interesting comment i got back in middle school that i still vividly remember to this day was when a friend said, “you have a different personality for each of your friend groups.”
for some reason, that statement has always stuck with me because i never really noticed that about myself, and i’m sure that’s normal, right?
from what i believe, people tend to adjust themselves based on who they’re interacting with. not because we’re being fake, but because it just happens.
i don’t know, i’ve always found myself wondering which part of me is actually me. sometimes i still catch myself doing that again, but it’s never on purpose. it just comes naturally, 
and i’m sure i’m definitely not the only one.

i guess what i’m trying to say is, after all the years i’ve tried so hard to cater myself to people, i eventually grew tired of it. and if i don’t like you, i simply don’t bother to create a bond.
but that also puts me in a pickle because i do want to create connections.
it’s just that getting to that point means i have to start somewhere, and starting over again and again is so exhausting.
the thought of reintroducing my boundaries and being cautious about how they might perceive me is just… tiring.

I just wanna be a pretty butterfly that only lasts for a few weeks, then be reborn again

— zai