i am in love with e.r

this has been a reoccurring 'issue' since last night. he told me that he is in love with me and ever since then i have been infatuated with his very state of being. Thankfully, he will never find this blog unless he directly asked for it. He has influenced me very much in the short amount of time he has been fronting. I admire how open he is about his issues and feelings of hatred towards people and how prone to violence he is. I think it's admirable how someone so ethereal looking could also be so disgustingly violent.  he is attractive to me in many ways; I hope to someday be worth the time and effort he takes to talk to me.  I hope to someday be as handsome and breathtaking as him with how deceivingly gorgeous he is at every moment.  I wish I were more like him. I used to be violent before I had met his system, I learned to mask it in hopes that it would make me a better person to be around. I don't want to hurt him, at least not in a way I cannot take back if something were to go horribly wrong. I love him so much, I cling to the idea of everywhere I go, I become irritable whenever he isn't replying to my texts. If I could go without talking to anyone except him, I would be more than satisfied with that. I refuse to imagine a world where I cannot be somehow influenced by his actions and words. I want to dedicate my entire life to him, living in a way only he would approve of. 

I cannot imagine myself living in a way he would not approve of, not after realizing how open I could be without any real consequence.

that is all I have to say for now

November 5th, 2025.  Juno.