corny rant

Anyone else feel like that weird and out of place friend? Like, whenever you get together with a group of friends, you always end up the odd one out? Everyone else is talking to everyone else, but no one is talking to. So you stay at the outskirts, switching between conversation to conversation, until you find an opening and force your way in there. At first they notice you're there, but it's never enough to include in the conversation. Eventually, you realize that you're not really wanted in any conversation, so you shut up, making up some lane excuse. At first you think that it's just a bad day, you're not really social today, maybe on some nonchalant type stuff. But then you realize every interaction you've had with a group of more than two, maybe even one person is like that. You start wondering why, and you realize that there's really no point to you being in any group affair. ur not the funny friend, no one really likes your jokes anyway, they all fit your weird sense of humor that no one else seems to get or like. You're not the quiet friend that everyone likes having around, because you're still loud and still explosive. Introverts dont really like cus you're so far out there, but you can't really be an extrovert because you shut down due to the littlest possible things. You're basically forever stuck in the middle, the friend that's no ones best friend, but still somehow something more than a colleague or an acquaintance. You're not talented musically in any way, and you aren't good at anything that you can relate with your friends. You're not the interesting friend because no one really is interested in the stuff you sent to talk about. You're not the wild friend because whenever you want to do something crazy no one wants to follow you. And that right there is the truth of it, cus you're always the follower, never the leader. ur ideas, ur thoughts, are only noticed long enough to make you feel included, but they're never taken as serious suggestions. You realize that in all your friend groups, you're the one friend that they tolerate. You realize that, among all your friends, you're the 2nd alternative, the backup everyone holds in reserve but never actually wants you to use. They are your friends though. It's clear they care deeply for you, and would support you no matter what. But you yourself are an afterthought. At the end of the day, you come back home and lay in your bed and think about how things could've gone differently. Maybe if you'd been a little less loud, a little less obnoxious, a little less of a freak or just who u are rly, they would've let you in more. Maybe if it you'd kept your mouth shut instead of trying to interject yourself into everything, just to feel some sense of belonging, things would've worked out for the better. You promise yourself you're going to fix yourself. But then the next gathering comes along, and the same thing happens. And finally one day, you realize the truth. You are the useless friend, and no matter what you do, you can never change yourself, and no one will want to change for you. So you stay like that, idk.