an alcoholics rant... pt 2

wow, it was a trip reading my last blog post... a lot has changed since then. i am finally two weeks sober :D it took some trial and error- and i mean a lot of trial and error- but i do genuinely believe things are looking up. i'll try and boil it down as much as possible.

so, my partner and i broke up. they were not as supportive of my recovery as i had hoped. the added stress from our arguments, the underlying issues we both had, etc, ended up kind of forcing me to break up with them. it was really tough, but looking back it was for the better. i have correlated how i feel about our relationship to hangxiety to some of my friends... i truly was drunk about 90% of the time. you can put up with (or forget about?) a lot more bullshit when you are never sober. anyways- that can be a blog post of its' own... 

it took me a while to get sober after we broke up. i was almost there but i used the end to justify one last bender. made some shitty choices, felt like shit, and tried again. i attempted "moderation" a few times to no avail. alcohol just doesn't work for me. i always want more. it really astounds me that i would even attempt it after the living nightmare it made my life- but i guess at the end of the day i just love being drunk. the few brief stints of sobriety before now, looking back, kind of felt like a cop out. i was always hoping to eventually be able to drink again. sure, i felt good, but i dont think i was ever truly ready at those points. i think i am now though.

here's what did it: a horrible, terrible, no good, four day bender. it was awful. my roommates went out drinking and i decided to go get a couple of beatboxes while they were gone. i guess its just a trigger for me when they go out. i stayed up all night that night partying with my roommate and her friends. got about two hours of sleep before my shift the next day. i felt awful, naturally, but since my alcoholic self cant handle a hangover- i just decided to stop for a couple of shooters. i had two before work, and two after. then i stopped at the gas station on the way to my friends house (who told me i couldnt drink there- bless her- obviously i wasnt going to listen) and chugged some shit in the parking lot before i went up to her apartment. probably made a fool of myself, who knows, i dont remember. felt like shit and called out of work the next day, bought more, and got fucked up again.

this all came to a head when my roommates found me out. i only remember bits and pieces, but supposedly i threw away a beatbox in our kitchen trash can. not the brightest move. so i had to own up. everyone thought i was over a month sober at this point. in reality, this wasnt my first slip up- just the worst one. i felt absolutely horrible. withdrawl/hangover/sleep deprivation/maybe still drunk? combo. in that state, i confessed EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. it was so scary and yet so, so relieving. then i decided i needed help.

i figured i could try to taper off again- but that didnt work. i got drunk again that night. so the next day, my parents drove me to the er. there we asked about possible withdrawl, and if i would need to go and medically detox. the doctor said i did the right thing coming in, as withdrawals from alcohol were unpredictable, but that i was unlikely to deal with anything severe. i believe he said "you're probably just going to feel like shit." and i did! but i was able to safely stop drinking. thank god. on our way home, my parents and i talked about options.

we decided to go to a substance abuse treatment center the next day. that is when/where i started outpatient rehab, 3x a week for three hours at a time. im not sure how much its helping, but the discipline and routine certainly are. i think its really good for me to have time i take out of the day to focus on recovery. that and being around other addicts definitely help more than whatever BS worksheets the interns have printed out for the day, haha. i did have my first one on one sesh with the therapist today, and i came out of it feeling really good. she told me i have a good mindset about recovery and that i take a lot of accountability- something that is apparently rare for addicts to do. so go me i guess :D 

i think what really makes it different this time is me being so honest with the people in my life. saying everything i had been hiding out loud truly made me realize the gravity of the situation. when it comes to alcohol, i have nothing to gain but everything to lose. it is just not worth the way it makes me act/what it does to my body. (side note! when i went to the hospital i found out my liver levels were normal! so i guess despite the bender, my periods of sobriety really did heal it! i still have liver pain, which makes me worried about damage- but i have medical insurance now and am planning to get it checked out) the conversations were scary of course, but i feel worlds better having had them. i am so lucky to have people in my life that love me unconditionally. i dont know where i'd be without them.

anywho. two weeks sober bitches... here's to hoping for two more :3