Headache

"Headache"— that feels right. A part of me wants to title today's entry "tired" or "exhaustion," which is actually more accurate to how I'm feeling at this moment. But genuinely, headache does its job just fine. 

Today, I had orchestra rehearsal. Tomorrow, I have private lessons from 8:00 to 8:45 pm (I believe). On Wednesday, I have a concert. In short, my days are long and my nights are restless. And, of course, as a high school student, I have academic commitments. It's just that Orchestra swallows me whole. I feel drained—I spend too much time in that room with those people, playing the music. I mean, I love it, of course, but oh boy, it really is just a headache. I worry I could draw the orchestra room, reconstructing it better than my own bedroom. I know I couldn't, but the deniability is concerning.

Unfortunately, I fear I've cemented my reputation in the orchestra as subpar—someone who's in varsity but doesn't really deserve it. I had a bad start to the year, and I'm up against people who are just "wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better." Long story short, I have a thick beef with the principal violist of my group. He, himself, is fine (quite the looker, actually), but to me, especially, he was not a good friend. That, alongside my personal tendencies to idolize people more than they are, just really made for a horrible mix. I'll call a spade a spade: he's like a mock-celebrity of my school, deadarse. He's good at everything, especially viola. So much so that I fear I won't be able to bridge that gap... probably not ever before I graduate. And that sucks. Sadly, my only goal in my senior year of high school was to outdo him and lead the section. Oh well, I guess.

In fact, that's the toxic love I have for my instrument. Aside from always practicing or having lessons or rehearsals or concerts, it feels like—no matter what or HOW much I practice—I've made no progress. It gets old, and I feel stagnant. At least, though, I got a new teacher who's much better than my previous ones. AHHHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOODNESSS!! Just now, yes now. Literally RIGHT as I'm writing this, I got a lesson reminder that my lesson is scheduled to START at 8:45 and not 8-8:45. yikes :(

I know there are "better" things I could be doing right now, but this whole "low energy" ditch my body lies in is really a character nerf. I've brainrotted on that dreaded app Instagram. Today, my screentime for that app was 57 minutes. I feel proud that it's not an hour, therefore I'll try very hard to relinquish the app for tonight. Even if writing in SpaceHey is equally as unproductive, I'd rather do nothing by writing and sitting with my thoughts rather than do nothing by melting off the other 50% of my remaining brain cells via Instagram reels and other short-form content. 

Grhahrr I have no energy :(

But about that short-form content thing—I just recently got into hacking my 2DS XL, and it's such a better source of dopamine, which is another reason I came back to Spacehey.

But yeah, like I said, for the millionth time, I'm tired. That's it.

I'm falling asleep already; it's no good fighting what's coming. 

Actually, I found that going to bed when my body needs rest leads to a far more productive tomorrow, as opposed to trying to push myself too far. Which is basically my way of saying COLLEGE WILL EAT ME UP. 

But yeah^2. G'night fellas. 

~ Koi

(unlesssss i pop up randomly to edit my profile :3)