i absolutely hate trios .‸. #1

i seriously think theres something wrong with me. Not in an edgy way or anything — i'm just seriously dislikeable. I've been in around 4 (maybe more) trios, and their horrible. Well, not if you're in the duo. 

Jealousy is such a disgusting emotion, i feel it growing in my heart with every passing moment.

no matter what trio i'm in, i'm always the alien. I feel like those people who complain about having no friends, and they're annoying as hell, so i really dont wanna be like them. If i am one, at least im conscious of being annoying. 

Do i even know myself? Its disgusting. I feel like i'm living in a brain and body that aren't even mine. I seriously don't know who i am. I'm sorry for wrenching upmy disgusting thoughts upon your eyes.

here's my specific situation for anyone whod like to read it:

i got into a selective school last year (about 10% entrance rate and yes im bragging but academics is seriously the only thing keeping me sane), and that meant i had to change friends and all that. Well, i found myself in a 5 person friend group in this new school. One girl was my best friend from primary school — but she's in a different class — we can call her f1. Theres 3 others. I met f2 through f1, and then f3 and f4 are in my class. 

Dude, i'm in a trio with both f1 + f2 and with f3 + f4. f3 and f4 are always talking about how they hang out outside of school — "omg, f3 came to my house yesterday it was so fun!" — do they not have manners? 

I'd like to think i wouldn't care if they didnt bring it up, but i know i would. 

Every lunch time, its as if i dont even have any friends. F1 and F2 go off together, holding hands and wandering to the canteen — where they supposedly "stay" the entirety of lunch. Then f3 and f4 dont even tell anyone where the hell they are.

It's hard to express through text. It's much more easier to express by crying. 

anyway, i just wish i was one of their first choices. I wish i was a first choice to anyone, but i know thats impossibke hahaha. The facts say it all themself — i'm the problem!! i dont even know how i am, but i am. I dont want to be the problem, but i am.

I'm always angry, pissed, annoyed, mean?, not caring, disgustingly jealous, i get why they don't like me. But i also don't get why they dont like me. Everyone has faults, all of them have faults too. 

Why am i so unloveable.