A Blog With Trans Talk From a Trans Dude [23]

hello welcome back to my normal blogs!
i want to start doing more of just these again, I've just had a lot that i've wanted to yap about, and not really think about myself personally. now I'm back though and I'm ready to start accepting where I am mentally.

  watching trans videos hit me hard. on the one hand I'm cheering for my fellow brothers, sisters, and siblings. yet on the other I'm grieving the fact I'm not in a similar position yet. it's been like that for awhile, but I really do want to get to the point where I don't cry my eyes out thinking about it. I'm working towards it. another thing about be trans is that my transition ISN'T just mine. for a good couple years now I was so near sighted and I thought it was. it's not though. it's about my Mom losing the daughter she always wanted in replace for another son. it's my about my boyfriend, our journey, our love for each other, and struggles together. its about my best friend who's been with me for almost the whole time and the fact we both struggle. their all apart of it because their apart of me. I don't blame my Mom at all for not calling me Matthew yet. it'll take her awhile and in no way did I expect her to right away use he/him. she still hasn't, but I feel once we live together again it might be easier for her. I'm really not trying to push her.

  this needs to be talked about though, my dysphoria, that I'm so scared to share with anyone, so you know might as well get over the fear by sharing it with the internet. this is a lil gruesome but I know so many ppl who have felt the same; I've always wanted to make my own incision across my chest. the thought has come back once again, it does every so often, and it sucks sooo horribblllyyy... I'm sorta lucky to have a rather small chest, but its still there. it's still on my body and it doesn't belong. maybe it's inappropriate to talk about this so publicly, but we trans kids are OUT HERE. we suffer daily. some of us out here suffer for having little to no gender affirming care, like me. I'm lucky to have a support system, even if it's just three people, their incredibly important to me, and I'll never take their care for granted. still, it's a daily battle with my body, and looking into the mirror only to see someone I don't recognize most days. now I'm proud to say I'm not suicidal because of it like I was before. it's important we talk about this kind of stuff. if I didn't I would've never been where I am today.

  it's seriously so hard for me to say this. I'm always so embarrassed by my feelings and I don't really know why. I do and I don't. I found yet another mental disorder I relate to. I'm not going to share it publicly it just creates an unstable self image. some days my dysphoria is so pushed to the side all I can see is a man, but other days I see a little girl who will never amount to what he wants. it's extremely hard to deal with a daily rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows, but I'm pushing through. I've been slowly learning to take care of myself even before I knew what it was, but I still have a bunch of work to do. I love myself, I hate myself, and I'm me. I'm a confusing, loveable, mess, and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. If I could clone myself I would just hug myself I really would.

  still I daydream about the days of the future that doesn't exist. I daydream about the day I get my gender affirming hair cut, I wake up on the day where I can be in lover's arms for the first time, I wake up to look in the mirror to see a beard, I wake up on the day I start T, I wake up to having my chest gone, so on and so on. I cant wait for the day I feel AND look like a man. I got one of those down just waiting for the other! it feels like I'm so close though. closer than ever. maybe it's the fact that everyday I'm reminded I'M A GUY'S BOYFRIEND, OH YEAH, EUPHORIA!!! who of which sees me as such and ONLY as such is the biggest dysphoria repellant. I just imagine him with like a spray can and spraying the Dysphoria Begone on me. but he's more than just my boyfriend he's a great man. he's really helped me see the light around me and in myself though. I'm pushing for change in my life that I wouldn't have had the courage to do before because he's by my side. SO YEAH, I'm close, because I say so. I WILL feel my daily trans JOY.

  on a good note, I could be getting a binder soon. soonish.. just depending honestly. my boyfriend brought up this free binder program (Point Of Pride) which I looked into all the way back in April. back then I had no backup if I couldn't receive the package, I was all alone here in my country, so I gave up on it, and new I wouldn't get one until I moved out in 3 or so years. that would've been 6 years of not coming out and no care. now though I could get the package. I could get my binder. my first gender affirming care item. wth???????? what the actual fuck dudes?? before I try the program I want to ask my Mom about it. I want to ask her thoughts before I go through with it because I do care about her opinion. hell, maybe she'll help me measure, and she'll buy me one herself. I'd LOVE one with a front zipper. my lungs have always felt a bit weaker than I would like so I do seriously want to take care of chest/ribs and being able to unzip it like while I'm in the bathroom would be a blessing. also the fact he brought up something like this because he knows I've been struggling is just so sweet to me OML. but yah that's the plan. I'm going to be asking her this weekend and depending on her answer I might sign up next week to hopefully get on the list.

  I'm also fully aware I am not a fully masculine person. for awhile it was like "UGH!! WHY MUST I BE QUEER!!!", but now I just want to slay LEAVE ME ALONEEE. I'm not going to wear dresses though. I don't really like dresses all too well at least not right now. it's just uncomfortable to wear out side of dysphoria. I already cross my legs, but doing in a dress is so STIFF AND FLOWY SOMETIMES BUT NOOOOO I DONT WANT IT MAN. I just act fem, my style is masc, I'm yet to transition, and in my mind I am a man. does that make sense cis people? HAHA. I just act like me guys. you don't need me to justify it to you!

mmmmmm i think I'm good now. I think I got out what I wanted to say and if i didn't get it all I'll just make another blog IDC!!!
okay,
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night!