Finally

I finally blocked my "father" on Instagram. One small step to getting him out of my life forever. He hurt me and he can never repair that. Today was the first and probably last time I said something publicly about how I feel about him for all of his side of the family to see. And you know what? I feel better. Finally. I am free. But soon I fear Abby is gonna say something to him and then I'll have to confront him.. Am I a coward? I just want him to get the hint and stay away.. I don't want to actually have to say anything to him.. I don't owe him that hospitality 

I only talk about this kind of stuff to my aunt and my mom.. They are the only ones in my family who truly understand it. 

Everyone else in my family has that underlying "but your gonna try to fix it right?" tone when they ask.. But no. No I'm not going to forgive him. No he didn't physically hurt me but he sure did do something to my mental health. And he thinks he's doing great as a father. NO. HE WASN'T. I WANT HIM TO FEEL EVERY OUNCE OF WHAT HE'S DONE AND WHAT HE'S CURRENTLY DOING WRONG. I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CALM AND COLLECTED AND BE OKAY WITH HIM AROUND ME BUT NO. NOT ANY MORE. I. AM. DONE. 

but in reality.. Every time I see a child with a good relationship with their father I cry. I wanted that. I wanted it so bad but I couldn't get that. Was I just that unlovable? Was I not good enough? I mean I have mom.. Oh I love you mom.. I love you so much. More than anything.. You have done nothing wrong to me. Ever.. You are the one person(other than my friends and Annie) whom I can truely trust. 

The night he left was the night I realized that he was never my dad. 

My skin crawls whenever someone (usually mom) says I act like him. It makes me want to die because I'm not. Stop saying it. I'm not like him. And I ever want to be like him. 

1. He won't be invited to my graduation (both of them high and college) 

2. He won't be invited if (hopefully) I get married

3. He won't be in the hospital room if I have a child (perchance hopefully) 

4. He will never see my child if I have one

5. HE. WILL. NEVER. BE. IN. MY. LIFE. 

I have so much hate in my heart for him and for once it will be shown. I'm not hiding it anymore because I genuinely cannot give less of a shit.