K1W1s diarrhea (diary) / day 4 (+mini vent)

HELLO.

I have very well disappeared for maybe a day or so, not that anybody is actually reading this bruh...

Halloween was exciting, I met with some of my friends at my BFFs house! I ended up messing up my costume really bad since me and my dad actually DIDNT go to the mall, since he got really mad at me...In any way we first ate some pizza and talked. Inbetween my friends tripped and fell on the ground which was really goofy except for the fact that one got a scar on her chest because of that (which was fitting ngl because it was huge and was even bleeding)...afterwards we met one of our old mates (not mine but my other friends old mate) who exchanged to boarding school end of the school year. She isnt as far away though, since its a neighbouring country aswell as she is from that country and can speak the language well so I guess - lucky her! I just have a bit of a dislike for her, she is obviously a lil fake and I can see through that. Aswell as she is a lil bit of a liar since when she was inviting my ex bully all of a sudden to the party, and later my best friend expressed her concern of maybe not inviting her over, she later on said my ex bullys mom didnt "let her" just when she informed her I will be there. Funny is it not? But I was happy actually, they shouldnt feel comfortable around me and they sure can piss their fucking hypocrital asses off<3

I enjoyed walking and we talked a lot, though in the very end I got exhausted and some of the themes were annoying either because I had to listen to some problems or about people I dont know while every else does (Since I lived in the different part of the city which is like 3km away) and because I am new) In the end, I will never know who the fuck is anyone talkin about, since all my friends are either in different locations or the fact that I dont live in the city for that long. And even if the topic of the old village I lived in would come up, I still wouldnt know shit since I dont live there nor do I have contact with my old friends! Okay this was off topic - anyway! 

After only visiting like...ten houses lol we went back to my besties house and started watching the babysitter. But twenty minutes in and everyone already had to go since it was pretty late. Except I was actually sleeping over at my besties so I could stay as late as I wanted. We tried watching the babysitter alone but gooooooooodddd two girls were making all out like all tongue and everything for ten minutes ON THE BIG SCREEN WHERE MY BESTIES MOM COULDVE SEEN IT. So we switched it later to death note and I am hoping my best friend likes it since I ADORE death note. Later we decided we will go to her room where we played project sekai and gartic phone which was funny as hell. After my phone died we just decided to yap a bit and look a lil through her tiktok and OMFG someone had the craziest toxic relationship with their ex that has MY IRL NAME!?!? T-T WHY DO MOST VILLAINS OR SO HAVE MY IRL NAME?? So we got really interested in their beef and I really felt bad for Quinn (the person who posted it) and when I think of it, I feel bad for feeling so horrible about what my ex did to me.

(skip if wanteed this is a vent)

 He was funny, we had our sweet times but he was really inconsistent yk? One day he would be romantical and talk about making out and the other he would be in utter disgust or just suddenly not like it? I was always so confused and never knew what to do to make him love me more. I tried multiple things! I was an ass for testing him (because his love was so inconistent) yes but I was sick and confused and I was right all along anyway. I tried with being distant and dry, worked one way so I guess I sticked to that. I then tried with being overly attached to my best friend, since all he ever did in spring was obsess about his stupid best friend that he liked more than me and replace me with them, prioritise them. In spring he even said he probably would want to live with his FRIENDS instead of me which REALLY hurt me. Often he said things showing he probably never saw a future with me. I was probably just casual and only for a while. Onlllyyyy to have a gf.... I was going nuts! And whenever I expressed myself, he would shut me up by accusing me and not listening to me. In spring he would turn...cold and distant when I vented about my problems  and I just couldnt bare that. Every time when I told him of what bothers me he would shoot with "oh so I cant change opinions now'" and well,,,I dont know how to feel about the fact that he constantly changed opinions of if he LIKES TO KISS HIS GIRLFRIEND OR IF HE HAS AN ATTRACTION TO HER AT ALL. He made me feel like a FREAK. And I resented myself so hard for that, thinking I was abnormal! I didnt want to show my weakness anymore, I was too scared he would leave me for that. And now it became a part of me. I am too scared to show vulnerability to almost anyone. So I started bottling up, until I partially also had some resentment in me. I shed so many unnecessary tears and blood-

for someone who didnt even love me in the end.

He isnt a bad person,, he wasnt toxic either. What we had was just difficult and he is right I DO deserve someone who is certain. But thats just how it is! I was kind of shaking (which was embaressing) infront of my friend group telling them he broke up with me, since I didnt want to show that I had problems or vulnerabilty at all. I was scared, but I am happy they understood and comforted me, listened to me. In the end my friends were more affectionate (physically and yes that matters to me because I enjoy physical touch like cuddling, hugging and so on) than my own ex bf! Lmfao?

Now when I see his texts I cant bare them. We may be still friends but I just need distance. Meadow and Derin suggested a chat without him or kicking him out but thats just cruel, he is friend with them too and he deserves to have fun with them. He ignores me currently, I dont know how to feel about that but I know I am feeling a negative feeling whenever I see him texting in the chat. Not a good feeling. I think it would be later easier for me to see him even talk, or atleast irl and in private since yaknow...but currently I def need a while. Maybe in a month or so it will be less awkward since I believe really, us being friends is for the best. I want someone that gives effort into me, is certain that they love me and that they are consistent. 

you know?

If he ever had the feelings for me atleast he wouldve tried. Tried to listen to me, tried to win me over, tried to keep the relationship. I was so angry at him for so long, but I shouldnt feel that in a relationship.

 I cant believe I changed myself just for him. I am not dry, not nonchalant, not calm or so?? I am energetic, full of love, humourful, chalant, silly, weird! Maybe quiet with people I dont trust but my lover or my very close friends? I am full of affection then! And when I reall really love and trust I text them daily, I try to do crafts when I have energy just for them! I will act as weird as I can and make the worst jokes - and good thing about Nia is that she NEVER cared! she still acepted me for the way I am! She is still my BFF! - whilst with him I sometimes felt like I had to pick out the right words sometimes. Yes I often talked freely but sometimes I just cared too much while I shouldnt.

What a shame, truly.

ANYHOW! 

Me and Nia talked about looooooooooots of varies of stuff until 4AM LMFAO??? I was so deadass tired the next day really! In the afternoon I went to my friend house (Derin - like my cousin and really cool) and we had so much fun in her jacuzzi! We then did some karaoke, played dti and project sekai and eventually at 11pm I had to go:( 

Today I am workig my shit off, I have lots of homework and I am dead tired. 

SCHOOL WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME! But I think I should work now lmfaooo....or else I will be deadass.