family, hatred and belonging

For as far as my memory goes back, i remember not feeling part of my own family, like i was an outsider, an intruder of some kind... and that made the desire (or necessity) to get away from them and never turn back again somewhat easier to accept. but only now, as i'm faced with so many conflicts - both internal and external - i realised how i'm just everything they despise and abhor, even if in secret. maybe i'm like the prey that can't hide it's own scent from the predators it fears so much. i feel trapped, i feel hopeless, i feel rejected, i feel abandoned, i feel hurt. my hope is somewhat a duble edged knife, i know they love me - the me they expect i am - but will they still do when the veil hiding the real me drops? will they love the me they hope i'm not? the me they sense but can't yet see?