what to do with my life

hi there. im a 17 year old teenager who hates his life and the way he sadly lived it.
were it not for some amazing people, i wouldve ended it tbh.

what i want to really ask here is: how could i get more confident irl, how to 'stop' my selective mutism? i have moments where i feel too shy or simply just too awkward to speak and in those cases the highest i could do at start are quiet whisper-like talks, and then try to get it out louder from my mouth. usually works. (these in the context of people who i know but im not rlly close with, like most classmates or relatives' friends. etc)

i hate my parents so much i wished them all types of bad fates. im not gonna go ramping as an edgy kid but i have my reasons. and i want to make their old ages bitter asf.

i love smoking and having drinks (alcohol, energy drinks), yum. the issue is we're in goddamn 2025 and those fuckass cashiers have the nerve to say "id please" as if they didnt do it w no issue in the 2000s. bitch do your goddamn job like you did back then. smh.

i was alone and dealing w myself for so long that at one point i tried doing ANYTHING just to bring myself up: making myself smarter and "wiser"(??), making myself chiller and just careless, apathetic, drinking. both options made me misanthropic. and tbh i cant blame it. i was so alone i hated people in general. most of who i saw irl were dumb people (in both the intelligence and the insult context), unfunny people, snitches, boring people... but they were together, and they were a lot of them together. they go clubbing, partying, having a good smoke or drink. and most of them have easy access to these because they ARE a lot and together. while im alone i barely have those and have to beg my parents to give me some. i have a store where i could buy energy drinks easily, i also managed once to grab a pack of cigarettes. tho the second time i asked, they caught me vulnerable and asked for id. i was so panicked i made a realistic (or well, tried) and fled... my anxiety was going badly... usually when im distressed i barely remember if the two events were caused by the same cashier/ by the same person for any bad event 

what really angered me is when i tried fitting in with groups of all types... some lit said "oooh you dont wanna do that/you shouldnt do that" like fuck you bitch js because i dont look like a person who doesnt do activities you does NOT mean i dont do... geniunely they annoy me i wish them a car accident. theyre obnoxious and you are NOT deep or *secretly* passive-aggresive. i lit see it... anyway

tldr: i have been neglected by my parents who only cared ab grades and i tried making friends but ive always been ignored no matter how hard i try to fit in. idrc but i need to know sm. im from romania (if any romanians see this, va pup;D) and want my best to experience going clubbing. so if yall wanna have more romanian friends here or even better, go clubbing together. hopefully we can manage to get some cigarettes, and a beer or two from home (or at the very least sucessfully buying from there) and do these while clubbing and dancing with no issue. i love rock and hyperpop, but some romanian music is very nice too;)))

thats the end of this blog, i love ya guys!!11!1!
wishing yall the best <3