Vent (sorry for my bad english) if you have any ideas of wtf i need to do with my life, tell me.

I hate who i am. let me explain, monday i was at the therapist, and my mom forced me to go there bc i had a panic attack and she feels like i'm relapsing, i told her i didn't wanted to go, and she forced me, anyway, it was a new therapist cuz my mom didn't appreciate the other one, so we had to tell her everything from the start, and when it was about my dad, my therapist asked how he died so my mom told her and she started crying, and like, i was right next to my mom, i didn't cry or anything, i just didn't cared and my therapist saw it, and like whenever she tried to lighten up the mood, i fake smiled.

I feel like i'm empty, in a way that i've been throught so much that i don't even care or feel anything when something bad happens. My grandma died? oh ok, anyway i want to play video games. i always focus more on my own pleasure then the other's pleasure and it genuialy drive me crazy, why can't i feel anything? like i get it my brother said a hurtful thing to me and i just stare at him and go back to my bedroom where i stay my whole damn life, some hours later he comes to apologies and i'm just like "ok" and fake smile till he lives before i stop smiling, ik that it just sound so corny to say that but idk wtf is going w me bruh.

i don't wanna sound like an attention keeper by venting or for y'all to think it's corny to just say that, but i'm genuiely so goddamn tired of this life, like ok i get it when can i die. i feel nothing with my family, with my friends.

there's only this girl with who i feel a bit alive, lets call her K, i see her in me, even though she is 1 year younger than me, she has family problems and at her house she never smiles, talk or do family stuff, she lived through hell, her mom beating her, her dad just wanting to leave when she turns 18, never talking to her brother, but when we are together at school, we always laugh and i smile so much, we talk about everything and nothing, i feel so alve with her by my side, i want her and i to be bestfriends, sisters till death do us appart. Soulmates aren't always lovers like they say. But when i'm not with her, i'm always quiet, shy, tired of smiling, and just pass my whole life, bed rotting into my bedroom with the door locked until someone calls me for dinner, i fail at school, got pressured like hell by my mom, cuz she doesn't want me to do like "last year" (my dep got so harsh i didn't go to school for 1 month and almost got kidded out of school, it drove my mom crazy and she yelled at me and said i didn't do any effort, so i started masking my dep by fake smiling and bedrotting alone in my bedroom, almost sh but she took all the blades away from me so i just hit myself) i feel like shit.

oh and also i hate when i say i'm not gonna get maried neither have kids and my mom tells me "no you're gonna see you're gon change ur mind when u grow up and have kids" like no. i would feel so egoist to give birth to a kid in this fucking ugly world, and i prefer living my life alone and bed rotting till i die. i don't want to kids, neither a husband, "oh but you know ur husband is theother part of you like a soulmate" well i hope my soulmate dies or just don't care about me, leave me alone. i want quietness, not a fucking husband that asks me where i am, what i do, what tf i'm gonna make for dinner every single day. i don't want kids crying and yelling everyday, calling me "mom" like no i'm not your mom and will never be your mom so leave me alone and get out of my life.

idk why but whenever my mom speaks i just want to hit her, scream at her, stab her, everything she says irritates me so bad to  the point i wanna rip off my throat and slam my head on a table. NO i don't wanna see a therapist, leave me alone, NO leave me alone. NO AND NO. i feel like i don't wanna get any better with my mental health, i wanna get worse so someone will finally see me as valuable, omg i wanna feel loved, i want to get hugged, kissed, told that everything is alright, i want someone to do this to me, hold my hand, ik i said i don't want a husband but ohh how i want to feel LOVED and WORTH in the eyes of someone with good intentions.

Venting done, CHERRY out.