better off?

i just feel so stupid for ever missing her. It's been a long long time and i'm just realizing that i might actually just fucking hate her. like actually hate, hate her. the kind of hate that makes you wish the most disgusting things on her. maybe i'm just mad at the moment, and that's why i'm thinking like this, but they're still my feelings nonetheless. i always thought we'd bounce back from this, but to be honest? if i'm thinking these thoughts right now, her being around me might not be a good idea. i hope she blocks me before i try something stupid. i'm just wondering why we're still following each other on everything. I'm almost 100% sure she must have me at least muted on everything (especially after i called her mother those things), so why hasn't she unfollowed yet? does she even remember me? or has she moved on to replace me yet? probably has, if i'm being honest. has she told my replacement about me yet? has she told anybody in her circle of friends what happened? if so, why are they still following me too? doesn't she know that i still have her mother's number and can expose what she's been doing behind her back? of course, i wouldn't do that, but if i had something to hide from my mother as well, i would have definitely blocked her by now. it was definitely smart of me to keep some secrets from her, looking back, because she was an even bigger secret-keeper than me. 

i wouldn't go as far as to say i replaced her, but i've been hanging around other people, and i can't remember feeling this happy while hanging out with friends. i don't have to strain my ear to see if she's letting her mother listen in on me talking about extremely sensitive conversations, they don't ghost me for days and then not tell me why. they listen, they give advice, they respect privacy, we laugh endlessly, and i'm never the second, third, or fourth option. they don't ignore me to my face, or cancel plans last minute, or carry the friendship on my own. of course, me and her had our tender moments when we were friends, but i'm just seeing just how fucked it was, on both of our ends, now that we're no-contact. i dont deserve to be her friend anymore, and she doesn't deserve to be mine. but my friend group now, and my ex-boyfriend, are genuinely the reason i'm still here. maybe we can be friends again, but not now. many in a couple weeks, or months, or years. when we're both independent, matured, and not afraid to curse each other out first. oh shiiit i just remembered you can change the color of the text on these things. hell yeah