public vent/diary entry??

i don't talk about my emotions with other people lmfao I'm very kept to myself, so I'm sorry if this comes out choppy.

i feel like people don't truly understand how i feel when i try to talk about my feelings, a lot of the time i feel like they just say "i understand" to comfort me in a way??

i enjoy talking to myself about my feelings because i actually understand i sound fucking crazy right now lmfao but its the truth.

i used to love talking about how i felt but now i hate it, it makes me look weak and im not that. but i dont find it the same on other people.. when people cry its beautiful, a sign of peace or even relief. but i hate the way crying looks on my face, even sadness i hate it

music is a big thing for me, i hear music and see music everywhere i go. it makes me the person i am today and it has such a huge impact on your mentality. when i was younger i lived with my nanny (Grandma) because my mother wasnt in the best place. My mother was a drug addict through out my childhood, she would deny being high a lot but she definitely was. and i dont mean high off weed or anything, i mean painkillers & Meth and lots more

While living with my nanny & grandpa i would spend alot of time with my grandpa in the garage and he always had a radio on or a Record in the record player he would fix constantly.

Me and my grandpa would listen to lots of Rock together. Guns & Roses,Kiss and some i dont really remember. he changed my life with it

Once my mom got on her feet and sobered up, i was back with her. unfortunately this is where i go through the worst years of my life (emotion wise)

My mom listened to Rap & Country music..ok buddy.

and my mom was the type that wanted a "mini me", so i was the victim because i have a brother.

So all this country shit was pushed onto me and i felt so uncomfortable in my skin, i continued this act all the way up till i was 10 (6 to 10)

10 i started getting worse with mental health so i tried being "emo" and i still felt like shit. uncomfortable and just awkward.

11 i got reallyyy fat imma be honest twin, like 300 pounds maybe bruh like it was bad

i had lost all motivation after being diagnosed with severe depression.

13 i tried being a hot cheeto girl (listening to lil peep & suicide boys acting all depressed and shit)

again was uncomfortable in my own skin, as i got closer to turning 14 i started dressing in like a trashy 2000s y2k style still not feeling 100%.

14 i finally had enough and i started labeling myself as a metalhead..starting out as a heavy poser and slowly working my way up, Working on my own image (Body,Hair & Appearance, Style, etc.) 

Listening to different types of metal genres and i was really starting to like myself, I have quit caring about what other people think after caring for so long. its my life i will live the way i want to, dress the way i want. look the way i want.

As Rob Zombie Once Said "I never ask anyone their opinion because i dont give a shit."

Metal has helped me so much, becoming more confident in myself and being who i am, But im also thankful for my medication because i dont think id be here without that shit twin