I hate being a girl.

Hey its jam, I'm not in the mood at all today which I deeply apologize in advance but tbh I hate being a female/girl. 

Ever since I came into this world, I thought being a girl would be full of joy and whimsy and fun, especially when watching movies of girls being well a girl. As a 19 year old cis female in 2025 it fucking sucks ass. I can't go out by myself, I can't go on a cruise by myself, or anything. And look I have a bf but he can't trust me mostly because I'm fairly attractive and also a female. I'm pretty petite but I'm 5'7 so do with that as you please. But it sucks. I want to go on thia cruise by myself because my bf doesn't want to go at all. But my grandma paid for an extra room for the both of us cause it was my mistake of telling her he wanted to go which tbh I was selfish thinking about myself rather than both what me and my bf want. So that's my mistake. But he kept saying he wanted to go and have a fun time with me and even yk have alone time because we barely get that at home. And tbh I want more of an adult like couple rather than a high-school one even though we both don't have a car or job at the current moment. Ofc I tried explaining to him that we can just yk walk around the cruise ship, go eat, chill in the room and even maybe go to the beach. And that this can prove our responsibility as 19-20 year old adults on a vacation. And that tbh this can prove to his parents that he isn't immature but rather mature. And tbh my grandma wants this more for me because I've been taking care of her and all that which she greatly appreciates but because of her condition atm she can't go on the cruise and has made my aunt go on the cruise in replacement of her spot. Ofc my aunt doesn't like my bf or me because of the concept of us being young adults and just wanting to fuck even thought that isn't true at all. But anyways that's another reason why my bf doesn't want to go. But it's just not fair cause he doesn't want me going because he doesn't trust me and than I'm also a girl which isn't fair at all. I trust him all the time when he goes to ft.lauderdale with his guy friends which has alcohol and them being guys which they fuck around and do stupid shit. Which I worry about but I barely care cause he's a guy and he can take care of himself. (He doesn't drink btw because of his Arfid) but it's just not fair when it comes to me it's just all these things and excuses that I can't go. And it's like I want a break from life finally and this is my only chance. I don't want to go to the same areas in miami all the time, ofc yes I appreciate my bf yk offering to take me out in return that I don't go on the cruise but I want to go on the cruise. I'm just tired of people holding me back just cause I'm a female and not some ugly girl or even like a mean person. Not saying ugly girls have it easier but atp I rather be ugly and unattractive than be me. Idk what to do, the cruise is on the 2nd to the 4th and tbh I'm going no matter what my bf says. Cause tbh I deserve this after all the shit I've been through recently.

Jam out.