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The Past
I struggle remembering my childhood at times, certain memories spring up out of nowhere but sometimes I have to believe the stories I'm told because I either cannot remember the events or my version is so drastically different than everyone eles's. I have no real concept of a time line for my earlier years memories jumble what I thought happened at on time actually happened many years earlier or later, this causes me major frustration and often makes people think I'm lying when I genuinely remember things that way. This puts strains on relationships and has lead me to make some poor choices in dating leading to many abusive relationships, I'll leave those for another blog another day, maybe. I've lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's and one of my uncles lost his battle with depression, after that I'm not sure if I ever allowed myself to fully process my emotions and now I'm not sure how to start. The Present
My life today is not where I want to be but I always never had any real plans on where I was trying to be beforehand either, some part of me thought I'd never make it this far. I'm surviving getting by day by day with the help of some amazing friends I was lucky enough to made. I've been dealing with depression adhd and anxiety my whole life and there are days its beat me down and I cant see how to stand back up. They have helped me more than i could have ever hoped and I am unbelievably grateful. There are positives I have a job, a place to live (even if it is still with my parents), and I have amazing friends.
The future
I dont like to think about the future too much its stressful and usually if I think about a decision too much I just dont make it or I chose to not change anything. I do however have a few plans now, simple ones like moving to be closer to friends, which also affords me a new start far away from where I am currently. I'm not great at planning for the long term but if I can continue to set and achieve short term goals I will always be improving maybe that can be enough. Finally my largest hope for the future is just to be happy, that would be enough.
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