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I'm a young adult and I grew up poor in a third world country. I got diagnosed in my 20s only because a practicioner really suspected I was neurodivergent after just requesting something other than cbt for a number of reasons.
My life is getting serious, I'm 21. Just 3 years ago I was doing lame teenager things, and now I'm here thinking seriously about the prospect of getting married (even tho I hate the concept of marriage).
I'm so tired, I cannot imagine how it is for people who actually have children, they are superhuman to me. I have more than enough with work, my studies, a sentimental life, and living alone in a house share. These are all good things, and I'm grateful I have them. I'm just being driven mad by the expectations.
Even talking about this is tiring atm. But, this is about survival. This is about masking 24/7 and working against your sanity in order to survive and be seen as a normative person, because you are poor and cannot afford to be excentric and disliked.
This will sound materialistic and maybe mean, but being liked by people is a matter of survival. When you are an immigrant and poor, you get by being amicable (and overworked). For an autistic person this is just masking nonstop, and when you are so busy building the normalcy, you have no time alone to switch off. I cannot remember the last time I just sat down and thought.
I am never present, I feel like am in a war. Always strategizing, always planning, always working... But never truly present. The only hobby I indulge in rn is sewing and clothing customization and now I'm wondering if that is the case cause' changing my appearance makes my masking more effective.
After a journey of not thinking but doing, in a very neurotypical fashion, you don't wanna see anyone. You just wanna be alone in the dark, away fron the chatter, away from the synthetic fibers and the social roles. You wanna be present in the enjoyment of your actual interests or just recharge by doing nothing, and I mean nothing: no background TV even.
But, you are an adult who's working class and you can never be alone. You just can't, so the mask malfunctions and you hate yourself for allowing this to happen. You've been working so hard so build this up and some bad mood messes everything up.
Because you are not alone, someone will always come up and ask you to talk about what's going on in an attemp to comfort you and oh God. Oh God. Talking more? Masking more? Cause' if you say you don't wanna talk, you will still be expected to talk about it later when you don't feel this anymore. Or worse, this person will think this is about them.
So, even when your brain physically hurts when you try to make works, you do. As you can, you try to articulate the feeling (badly), then try to filter it to sound decent (also badly). Then, you have to be aware of your voice and face while you speak. All of this machinery is expected to be working simultaneously and automatically. You can kind of perfom like this, but wait... This person may offer you a hug, and you don't wanna be ungrateful. You are not thinking of your wellbeing when you accept that hug, you think of optics. A normal person will probably want a hug in this situation.
Problem is, apart fron the mental gymnastic, now your brain has to dissociate from your body to accept the hug, which feels like lava. At the end, you are left even more exhausted and like a husk of whatever you were before.
The other person is pleased because they comforted their friend and you are still tired, but now they think is done and you can be left alone.
You are working class, you cannot afford to have people dislike you for some petty neurological thing. Never thinking about how you truly feel, because that's dangerous, it is not acceptable (really).
I feel dead.
PS: No comments, because opinions don't "cure" this.
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