My body hates me and I hate it

The worst pots flare I have had in a very long time. I’m in New Mexico right now visiting a friend and it’s… my pots is doing its best to ruin it 🙃

(Please forgive grammatical errors due to a broken clavicle I used voice to text to write this)

After getting off the plane in Denver, what started had to be one of the worst pots flares I’ve had in years. (Bear in mind my right arm is still in a sling due to fracturing my clavicle on the 15th – the day after my birthday by spinning out on my motorcycle. I made a dumb rookie move and stomped on my rear break while making a right turn and down I went as well as my bike. But the engine guard saved it so at least my bike is OK. But I’m in a state where it is impossible for me to do anything with my right hand almost and I need assistance with simple tasks, including showering sometimes so the whole thing is very stressful and painful.) 

I arrived in Denver on 21 October. I was met by my friend Abby and her friend M. After a small inconvenience with United Airlines baggage staff which highlighted the differences between economy passengers and first class passengers (back when I had disposable income, I would always fly first class), we left the airport after locating my bags.

We drove from Denver airport to this neat little Mexican restaurant that I already forgot the name of in Denver and I had a very tasty enchilada. But I was beginning to feel the flareup upcoming on as I was already starting to get lightheaded and feel persistently dizzy. We then drove to M‘s house.

At M‘s house, I got comfortable on their couch and before I could realize it apparently I was out asleep. I slept most of the day. I had brief moments of consciousness where we were enjoying YouTube and a TV show called Haunted Hotel (that I now want to watch all the way through) and throughout the day I still had a somewhat typical appetite for myself. I understood why M was a long-term friend of Abby‘s. He is pretty awesome. I normally do not say that about cishet men as their existence more often than not just irritates me when in proximity to me. I wouldn’t mind getting to M more.

Abby took me alone in her truck to show me some of her childhood haunts and fun places to hang out. We also stopped at a reptile store and collected some things for her adorable reptiles. We then stopped off at a party store and they had an awesome Halloween exhibit. During this time, I was increasingly feeling weaker, but was in denial about it. Then we went back to M’s.

We then went to the Italian buffet. When I say buffet, I do not mean a typical cheap or low end buffet place. This place was fancy. Fancy floor tiles, a replica fountain, the waitstaff in fancy dress, and a Mercado type set up for where all the food stations were. It was good. However, this is when my body begins to assault me further. As I’m enjoying my second plate my stomach begins to hurt really bad. My heart rate spikes and I get the POTS episode feeling like my entire body tripled in mass and I’m about to faint. I feel like this persistently through the evening.

I was only able to have a third plate before I eventually gave up and got myself a very tiny dessert plate. Then we exchanged presents for Abby (as it was a celebration for her birthday as well.) we then head back to Matt‘s place.

Once again, almost immediately as soon as I hit the couch, I was out; with brief a few minute periods of being able to be semiconscious but drowsy. I was getting dehydrated it seems like because once again, I had an insatiable thirst for water. Both Abby and M to their credit, went to extreme effort to check on me and bring me water for what seemed like over and over again.

The next morning, we began to pack and prepare for our eventual drive towards Raton, New Mexico. By this time all of the symptoms from last night had amplified tenfold; and now I’m nauseous. My morning medication has to be taken with food, but I’m also worried that if I eat, I will throw up; so I’m given a small bowl of cereal. I’m only able to take a few bites before my body begins to dry heave. I take my two cardiac medications and my synthetic vasopressin. 

We then load up into the truck, Abby and myself, and begin our drive towards Raton. Since Raton is in the middle of nowhere, we plan to stop at Costco along the way. By this point, I am also realizing that I am extremely overstimulated, and my autism and anxiety are not having a good time. It’s about this time that my AirPods die forever. Great there goes my sensory regulation. So we stop at an Apple Store on the outskirts of Denver and I purchased a new set of AirPod Pro third generation. Not my smartest purchase when I’m going to be out of work for two weeks and my way to make income while I was here (doing Uber eats on Abby’s motorcycle while she was working) is not an option due to the broken clavicle; but onto the credit card it went.

We then arrived to the Costco at Colorado Springs and I got one of the mart karts and rode it. Imagine if he will how noisy a Costco is. Especially on a Sunday. When I turned on the noise canceling feature of the AirPods, the entire store went silent. It was almost orgasmic. 

Still, my body was still in flare, and my appetite was gone. No Costco food court munchies for me. The thought of eating made me sick(er).

Abby was very kind, accommodating, and helpful and made sure to ask me what things I would like her to get for me. I do not experience that level of kindness usually so it was a nice experience that made dealing with a Costco on a Sunday more bearable.

Several hours later, several pretty sites, several pretty rolling green hills, several amazing mountains and rock formations later we cross into New Mexico. During the ride, I had lots of scenery to look at. Another hour, and we arrived in Raton.

I spent all of Monday miserable in bed while Abby worked. Not only in my physically feeling awful, but I’m also emotionally feeling awful because I’m out here for Abby‘s birthday and instead my body is being so effed up that she’s basically having to be my caregiver so I feel like I’m being a burden to her. Though she assures me otherwise I can’t help but feel like I am just being a burden. I’m eating her food. I’m occupying her house. I’m not doing anything for her. She’s having to just take care of me. I feel bad.

I did discover liquid IV though. People in pots forums swear by it. They are correct. About an hour after having a liquid IV drink I feel multitudes better. My stomach still hurts, but I no longer feel like a walking corpse and my appetite is returning.

Here we are almost 5 AM Tuesday morning. I am chilling on Abby‘s couch using voice to text to write this entry. I still feel incredibly weak and incredibly exhausted, but my stomach pain has gone down tremendously and I no longer feel like a walking corpse. But it has been years since I have had a multi day flare like this at this intensity.

I hate having POTS and I hate when my disability has the audacity to disable me