being an introvert

I've always been a really quiet, shy and socially awkward person. I kind of suck at making friends or interacting with people. The thing is, when you're a shy child, everyone tells you that as you grow up and become a teenager, you'll be more outgoing, more fun to be around, less anxious around strangers, but it's been years and I kind of feel like I'm getting worse at making friends or interacting with people.

I don't hate being an introvert. I'm not that interested in making lots of friends or talking to a lot of people, so that's okay. I prefer having a group of close friends than knowing lots of people who'll never be as close to me as I need people to be. 

So you might be wondering, what are you complaining about then? Well, you can't live without interacting with different people. You can't stop people from approaching you or asking you something on the street. You can't buy something in a store without looking the cashier in the eye. 

If you happen to be an extrovert, let me give you an example about how it feels to me: It feels like being inside a bubble. I invite certain people to the bubble but sometimes I have to interact with people that I don't necessarily want inside my bubble. They could stay outside but they wouldn't hear me because the bubble is closed. It would be nice to be able to get out of the bubble for a second so I could hear them and then just get back inside but I don't think I can break the bubble. So maybe I'm just bound to be trapped inside it. Without being heard, known or seen.

I don't need everyone to see me, but it's sad when no one does. When I was a kid, almost no one knew me because I never spoke, I never expressed myself and I never knew how to do it. So everyone just assumed I didn't have anything meaningful to say. But of course I did. And I kept feeling like I could only scream to the void because there was no being alive that would bother to wait until some words came out of my mouth.

Now I have friends and I don't feel like no one will ever listen but it's still hard. I still get anxious when I'm outside, when I receive a message from someone I don't have that much trust with or when I go buy something and have to ask the cashier for said something. I still have to raise my voice because people can't hear what I'm saying and I still feel the need to run away when there are lots of people near me. I still think about every single word I've said after a conversation. I'm not entirely sure if that's ever going to get fixed or if I'll ever get better at existing surrounded by people. Sometimes it feels like I'm just not meant for this.

So I don't know if my problem is that I'm socially awkward, shy and quiet or if that's never going to change, because the idea of getting out of the bubble is as scary as staying inside.

I always like to finish by saying something kind of positive, like in my last entry, but this time I don't really know if there's any solution to this, so sorry if this sounds really really sad or something, it's not really my intention lol

Ps: I don't think I've expressed what I'm thinking exactly how I wanted but I hope you get what I mean.