haunted walk [blog-diary]

small entry before i go to sleep

my roommates and some of their friends and i went to a haunted walk at this nature trail place i really love. i had a good time.

they were scared coming into it. i cant focus on the hainted walk i need to write about. it

i told my roommates that im not gonna be here next semester. that im moving out and im not gonna be in college anymore for now. i was trying to figure out how to say it while driving home, and i ended up just sorta. leading into it

i think its sorta hitting me now. im grieving the life i wish i could live. it feels like loss even though im not really losing anything. 

i havent ever really hung out with them like that. i havent been... able to. mentally. 

i don't feel like a normal person. i feel like my perspective and reactions to situations is abnormal. i dont get it. it takes so much practice and effort sometimes to act like a person. 

im not losing anything because i would not have done things like this either way. i would be too tired. too depressed. too riddled with shame for not being the functional person i keep convincing myself i am. 

i think its denial.

im not. im not who i think i am. 

im 20. as a teen, i had this idea in my head. this concept that i wouldnt make it. i always thought id end myself one way or another before i turned 19. i didnt see college, i didnt see adulthood, i saw death.

i think i forget how far ive come. i can drive. ive lived on my own at college somewhat consistently. i can get my own groceries and schedule vet appointments. i can go to the library and volunteer and make friends. i make small talk with the old ladies at my favorite thrift shop and its normal. 

i thought id be dead. i thought id starve myself until i was nothing. i thought id just

it makes sense that id need time. im rushing myself in comparison to where i was. it feels like im not really going anywhere, that im lazy and gonna be stuck this way forever. but i was wrong before. im alive to show it. 

i think its the right choice. college is still a path i want to go down at some point, but i think I need time before im ready. i dont regret these three semesters, even if i only have 15 credits to show for it. ive learned so, so much. i think i can be a person afterall.

my cat is crawling over. shes gonna wanna lay in front of my phone. goodnight.