Ranting

 SpaceHey is kinda dead but I’d rather tell strangers that might read this my problems than burden my mom or bf with it so :p

 So my mom is dying in under a year and a half and I’m so not ok. She is the only parent who stayed and literally the only adultier adult I trust. I’m such a mommas girl it’s not even funny. Like yeah sometimes I get mad at her or whatever but it’s not like a big deal. I know that I will be basically non functional when she goes and I hate that my bf is gonna deal with that. I love him so much and I have a feeling that what I become after my mom dies is either going to make him leave for good or he’s gonna stay and our relationship will get stronger but due to a pattern and the gloriousness that is overthinking I think he’s gonna leave. I love him more than anything and everything and I really don’t want to loose him. Like I can’t loose my mom and him. I just can’t. 

 I love my siblings I really do but I can’t keep being mini mom. I am so tired of being tied to them and responsible for them. It is so fucking exhausting but since mom is going and our bio “dads” are absolute shit when mom goes I have to be their guardian because I’m their big sister and the oldest of us three. I hate that I didn’t get to be a regular kid and teenager cuz now that I’m 18 I act like a child or a teenager instead of being mature. 

 I swear I am the most unprepared 18 year old ever. I dropped out of high school and don’t have my GED, I don’t have a license let alone know how to drive, I haven’t had an actual job ever and I have no fucking clue what I’m going to do. My bf graduated, has his license and a job and kinda knows what he’s doing and I have no fucking clue why he loves me. I’m glad he does but I still feel like shit for being basically useless.

   Ok I’m done :>