ana sucks and im over it

ive never really told anyone but ive been anorexic for years

ive always struggled with my image ever since i was young and it took until i was about 12 to realize i wanted to take control

i felt really ugly all the time i thought i was 'fat' and gross and i eventually stopped eating my favorite foods, and then i couldnt even eat in front of my own friends without feeling embarassed

the fear of public eating got so much worse in 7th grade, and to make matters worse i transfered schools for my last year of middle school, which meant i no longer had any friends to feel safe with at lunch.

i told myself id get up to go in the lunch line the first day of school, but when i was literally paralyzed to my seat i just accepted my fate. i skipped lunch for that entire year, and eventually i couldnt even eat breakfast because of how extremely nauseous i was in the mornings. 

i was 14 and about 80 pounds and i didnt even want to be light like that.

i hated my reflection because the only reason i was doing this was for my own punishment. i just hated myself.

school was another issue tho, i was super awkward and was mute most of the time at school which led to some people bullying me and i started to hate going to school. i eventually begged to stay home and never go back around may and since then i went on a binging spree.

i gained so much in those couple of months and i was about 126 in july. thats how fucking hungry i was.

 evn though i ate whatever i wanted to, i still felt bad about myself.

now it was back to thinking i was 'fat' and gross and no longer 'too skinny' .

i repeated the cycle once i started 9th grade at a new school because everyone there absoultely hated me

i was bullied everywhere i went and i had no friends at all. nobody talked to me and i was completely mute now. i stopped eating lunch again because i sat at a table i knew i wasnt welcome at. i was so embarassed all the time, i didnt even eat dinner most of the time either. the whole year i barley ate a full meal.

i was 15 and 116 now, still feeling overweight and ugly.

the next year the school kicked me out.

they dehumanized me in front of my whole family calling me demonic and a satan worshipper polluting the entire school. 

i lost all appetite now.

i started a new school and tried to eat in front of my classmates because they were actually really nice now.

it helped but i still barley had an appetite. i was still eating about one 1 1/2 meals a day.

i was really stressed and anxious and people right away pointed out how skinny i was on my first day. i was so confused but they really seemed serious.

eventually i reached my lowest a month ago 105 im 16

i realized i was affecting the person i loved the most by doing this to myself and im sick of it. i cannot fathom the thought of me being the source to her pain. IM OVER THIS. im leaving ana im done with all of this.

HEALTH IS EVERYTHING. LIFE IS EVERYTHING. nothing is worth killing yourself over.

think about the people you love and the people who love you. THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO COULD FOLLOW YOU INTO THIS. dont drag them down with you. be strong for them and be strong for you.

its taken me YEARS to realize what ive been doing and all i have to do to begin my recovery is admit it.

I AM DONE.