sobriety diary, day 3

Damn, i feel the heavy rush of motivation slowly wearing off in terms of inner pep talk and such. But the thing is - i am actively choosing to work long hours so i don't get idle hands. and honestly i don't know myslef like this. Like at the back of my head there is a memory based evidence that i can be a really hard worker, but it just wasn't my reality for the last 2 years and it seems kind of hard to believe now. it just goes to show how quickly you can stop recognizing yourself once you get comfortable in an illusion. tho i still feel like not my former self, but i atribute that to my lack of masking. i tricked myself into thinking i used to be good at this stuff but i just got the screaming into a pillow schduled after whatever i was going thru, as opposed to now, just screaming.

Don't get me wrong, i wanted a joint so bad today, because there was just one trouble after another. i managed to get stuff right in the end, but the level of emotional anguish was high.

i had my first therapy session (first in those 2 years), and naming stuff really helps me - weed gives me immediate relief, but it wears off quickly and only does damage in the long run. The thing is, if i take a pill for my anxiety, it makes me feel numb, sleepy, but ultimately sad and apathetic. when i take a hit, i get happy and i feel like i could fly, the numbness and sleepiness only comes way after. the fact that i've probably never had a bad trip from weed also does me a kind of disservice. it's way harder to quit a certified jackpot (pun unintended) than to walk away from a russian roulette.

anyway, this is how i feel most days now: